Fixing Your Water - 009 Addictions

Desires Stemming From Water-of-Water

Until now we have discussed, with Hashem’s help, the trait of desires, which stem from the element of water. We discussed desires which stem from earth-of-water; now we will continue with desires that stem from water-of-water.

Desires stemming from water-of-water can also have four branching possibilities - earth, water, wind and fire. So there is (1) Earth-of-Water-of-Water, (2) Water-of-Water-of-Water, (3) Wind-of-Water-of-Water, and (4) Fire-of-Water-of-Water.

Desires stemming from earth-of-water, as we explained, are desires which temporarily ‘drag’ a person after the desire, for the time being. Desires stemming from water-of-water are different: in addition to dragging a person after a desire, they have an even more intense kind of hold on the person, due to the nature of ‘water’ which can strongly pull things with it.

Whereas desires stemming from earth-of-water are temporary kinds of desires that a person gets dragged after, desires stemming from water-of-water are more permanent kinds of desires.

Desires Stemming From Earth In Water-of-Water: Permanent Desires

When a person’s desires gain permanence in the person’s life and they become very extreme in nature, the person becomes very attached to the desire. Examples of these include dangerous kinds of addictions, which can eventually kill the person who is heavily attached to the desire.[1]

These are desires that stem from earth of water-of-water: desires which a person feels very attached to, in his soul, with a kind of permanence. [It is this kind of addiction that we will discuss in this chapter and give solutions to].

Desires Stemming From Water In Water-of-Water: Desires For Drinking

Desires that stem from water of water-of-water refer to the desire to drink addictive beverages.

Water can cure a person’s thirst; when a person feels a desire to drink beverages, the desire is thus coming from the “water” aspect that is within water-of-water. One of the major desires that exist on this world is this desire – the desire for [addictive] drinking.

Desires Stemming From Wind In Water-of-Water: Impulsive Addictions

Desires that stem from wind-of-water-of-water are desires that cause a person to quickly get dragged from one kind of desire to another.

The element of water here is responsible for the ‘dragging’ factor, because the nature of water is to ‘drag’ [as explained in the previous chapters], and when the desire becomes fueled by the element of wind, which is the root of quick movement, it causes the person to move quickly from one desire to another.

The person never even finishes the first desire, because he quickly moves on to another desire very quickly. These people don’t even get to enjoy the very desires that they are immersed in. It’s as if they are not experiencing any of the physical desires of this world, even though they are constantly involved with the desires.  

Desires Stemming From Fire In Water-of-Water: Addictions That Cause Disconnection

Desires that stem from fire of water-of-water are when a person is dragged after desires to the point that he never even experiences the first desire he was involved with.

The jumpy nature of fire is responsible for the kind of behavior, causing him to be totally disconnected from his own desires even as he’s involved with them.

Some people are fully immersed in a desire so that they can experience it fully, and only after they feel satisfied do they move on to fulfilling another desire; these people are called ‘baalei taavah’ (gluttons). This kind of nature can also be channeled to holiness, whereupon it is called ‘taavah d’kedushah’ (holy desire). But here we are discussing a different kind of person: a person who doesn’t even experience his own desires, because he is constantly jumping from one desire to the next, before he has even fully experienced the previous desire.

Earth-of-Earth-of-Water: Addictions

We will now go through each of these desires in detail, explaining each of the problems they present, and each of their specific solutions. We will begin with earth-of-water-of-water, which are desires that are more permanent in their nature.

In order to solve such desires, we can make uses of the four elements of the soul (earth, water, wind and fire). We will begin with the less intense kinds of addictions, which require less use of the four elements, and progress to the more intense kinds of addictions, which will require us to use more than one element in the soul in order to fix.

Desires stemming from earth of water-of-water, as we mentioned, are desires that have become permanent in the person’s life. A person feels very deeply connected to these kinds of desires. Simply speaking, it can be coming from his powerful taanug (pleasure) that he has in the particular desire that he has become attached to, but the depth behind it is that the person’s very thoughts about the desire are giving him no rest, thereby ‘dragging’ him after the desire, as we explained previously.

There are three different examples of this kind of ‘permanent’ desire:

Three Kinds of Addictions

(1) If it is a desire that is extreme in its nature, (2) If it is a desire that is constantly being pursued (even if it isn’t extreme), (3) Or if it is a desire that is causing a person to become disconnected from his thoughts as he pursues it.

‘Hadragah’: Going In Steps

Since earth is the root of permanence, the way to counter it when it gets dominant is to go in its opposite direction, which is to lighten the amount of the permanence. This can be done through slowly pulling away from the addiction, in steps, with deliberate intention not to try to pull away from it all at once.

When we pull away from the addictive desire slowly and in steps, this is called using the soul’s power of “hadragah” (procedure). It is actually a power that stems from the element of earth. We can use hadragah, an earth-based power, to counter the earth’s own nature of permanence.

But if we try to pull away too fast from a permanent addiction and we don’t do it in steps, it will backfire. The whole point of the solution is to pull away slowly and in steps from the addiction, and that will slowly begin to weaken the addiction.

Fighting Addiction: Finding An Alternative Outlet

However, if it is a kind of addiction that a person feels powerfully connected to, then it will not be enough to try pulling away from the addiction in steps. These are desires which can drag a person very much after the desire. Thus, we will need to find something that will “drag” a person away in the opposite direction.

If this is the case, we will need to provide the person with an engaging outlet that will “drag” him away totally from the unhealthy addiction. It should be a kind of outlet that is very engaging, the kind that has the power to “drag” him away totally from the other addiction. Basically, what we are trying to do is to “drag” him away from the addiction, through “dragging” him into something else.

Whatever outlet we are replacing the addiction with has to be something that is not harmful to the person, of course, or else we have simply exchanged one unhealthy addiction for another. (Obviously, there is an inevitable danger that is involved in using this solution, if it is not used sensibly.)

The point of the solution is to open up the person to the concept of dragging himself away from the desire that has become very permanent in his life; that is the point of what we want to achieve here.

To emphasize again: this solution (of finding an outlet that replaces the addiction) contains a risk, of getting addicted to some other outlet that will occupy the person too much. Therefore, we have to be very careful when we use this solution, and to replace his addiction with an outlet that will be engaging to him, but not something that will replace one unhealthy addiction for another unhealthy addiction.

When Crazy Behaviors Become Popular

These days, in the last couple of years, all kinds of crazy desires have entered our circles, even into the world of Torah, rachmana litzlan. There are certain behaviors that have entered our communities today which were never dreamed about until now; certain actions which were once considered unthinkable of until now have now entered even the communities who strictly observe Torah and mitzvos.

A ben Torah these days faces new kinds of desires that were never within our insulated environment until now, which are behaviors and desires of Arab lowlifes, such as smoking a “hoo-ka”. It’s hard to fathom how such crazy behaviors entered our environment, and that a ben Torah these days has to deal with desires that used to be pursued by the outside world.

Of course, there are worse things than this too, but the point is, a person is supposed to have certain boundaries that he never crosses, and not engage himself in crazy, addictive desires (which are entirely a product of secular society).

In Summary

Getting back to the solution: By becoming dragged after a different desire (and to do this with subtle care), a person can slowly teach himself [or another] how to pull away from the desire that he is very addicted to.

To practically work on this, the person should make a list of different actions he can do that he is already pulled after and then expand those desires, so that he can heave a wide array of engaging outlets that he can choose from that can replace the addiction.

Understandably, one should only do this with desires that are not forbidden by the Torah; they should be permissible kinds of outlets; and they should be done with a sensible approach.

When a person involves himself with other outlets, he moves himself away from the addiction, thus, we have a way to use ‘wind’ to solve the earth-based problem of permanent attachment to a desire: by moving to other desires that you already dragged after.

Dealing With Today’s Generation

As we mentioned, however, using this solutions is risky, as it can cause a person to become addicted to a different desire; therefore, these solutions needs to be used sensibly.

The reason why we have to make use of these solutions is because we are living in a generation in which people have all kinds of crazy addictions that were never in our society before, and therefore, there is a need to make use of these solutions and save people from their addictions. But we must be aware that these solutions are somewhat risky in their nature, and therefore they require a lot of sensitivity in how to use them. Using this solution ultimately involves the danger of becoming exposed to other kinds of unhealthy behaviors.

These ideas are relevant to know in order to complete our understanding about solving desires. They are very relevant to those who are involved in Kiruv or with those who deal with family members that are struggling with unhealthy addictions.

Summary of The Three-Part Solution To Addictions

To summarize the outline of the solution is: 1) To weaken the addiction through slowly weakening it (which uses the earth’s power of hadragah\step-by-step withdrawal from the desire), 2) Through giving the person an engaging outlet that replaces the addiction (which uses the power of water to ‘drag’ the soul), 3) And that these desires should be permissible desires that will pull him in the opposite direction (wind).

Using all of these solutions can weaken the addictive desire - to an extent.

Solving Extreme Addictions

Now we will speak about how to solve desires that have become so addictive that they are destructive and endangering to the person. When addictions are getting really out of hand like this, it will not help to merely try to pull away from it in steps or to engage in other outlets. Here, we will have to employ a more extreme solution.

We will have to use the element of “fire” in the soul for this. Fire causes separation; we can see this from the physical world, that when a fire breaks out, everyone jumps back from it and separates themselves from their place. So fire represents the power to separate. When a person has desires that he has become totally connected to, he can become so addicted to the desire that he becomes disconnected from his own life, resembling the nature of fire, which causes separation.

But there is also a holy way to use the power of disconnection, as follows.

Using The Power of ‘Mesirus Nefesh’: To Disconnect

The way to counter fire\disconnection is through developing the power of mesirus nefesh: to be self-sacrificing.

The power of mesirus nefesh is also called using the power of “death” in the soul, to disconnect yourself from anything that you are heavily connected to. Rabbeinu Yonah writes, “Die before you die” – this is referring to how a person must develop his power of mesirus nefesh and “die” from this world, as a way to separate oneself from the materialism of this world. Death is the only thing that can totally separate a person from anything on this world. The soul can also use the concept of “death”, when it exercises the power of mesirus nefesh.[2]

Mesirus nefesh is not an intellectual ability; it comes from your deep power of ratzon (the will), which is above the intellect. Therefore, acquiring mesirus nefesh doesn’t happen by merely intellectualizing the concept; it is almost pointless to do this.  Rather, the way to develop mesirus nefesh is - besides for thinking about it in concept – is that a person has to realize, that our entire stay on this earth is temporary.

Anything we are connected to on this world is only temporary. Even our connections to our family and friends are temporary. By getting using to contemplating this deeply, with the more a person realizes how this world is temporary, the more he can let go of this world and all that he is connected to on this world; and that is how he can give up anything in his life that he is connected to.

At some point, all of us will need to mentally come to a deep realization, that we will eventually become disconnected from all that we are connected to on this world. Only through mesirus nefesh can we destroy all connections we have to this world. Logically, it is impossible to do it, but if we go above our logic and access our soul’s deep power of mesirus nefesh, we use the “fire” of our soul to destroy our connections to anything on this world.

There are two kinds of mesirus nefesh – in potential (as a “koach”) and in its active state (“poel”). All of us have the power to use the potential kind of mesirus nefesh. The active use of mesirus nefesh was exercised by the Kedoshim (holy martyrs) of previous generations; we do not all have this ability. But what we do have is the ability to exercise our potential mesirus nefesh.

As an example, every day when we say Shema, it is brought in Halacha that a person should mentally decide that he is willing to get killed al kiddush Hashem if the opportunity were to ever present itself. We all have this power – to prepare ourselves to potentially use our power of mesirus nefesh and give up our lives. We shouldn’t just be willing to do so – we should yearn for such a thing, such as how Rabbi Akiva would yearn his entire life for the opportunity to have mesirus nefesh.[3]

Two Ways of Disconnecting

Most people who have unhealthy addictions are people who do not possess a strong ability of mesirus nefesh, and therefore they do not know how to give up a desire.

There were great people in our generation who were able to get rid of an addiction immediately as soon as they realized that the addiction was unhealthy. Rav Bentzion Abba Shaul zt”l immediately quit smoking as soon as he was informed that it was endangering his health. This is because he had already developed his power of mesirus nefesh to a great extent. He was able to decide on not smoking again, because he developed his element of earth, which is able to give permanence to a decision.

Thus, one way to solve a strong addiction is by deciding with utter conviction to keep away from the desire, which uses the power of mesirus nefesh. This can work for someone who has a developed element of earth, which can provide a person with the ability to keep to his decisions and stop himself totally from a desire. It can get a person to give up the addiction in one moment.

There is another method that we find in the words Chazal which can get a person to give up any desire he has for this world. The Talmud recounts the story of Rabbi Eliezer ben Durdaya[4], that when he regretted his sinful life, he let out a scream and cried; his soul left his body and immediately entered into Olam HaBa. In one moment, everything changed, all because of this groan that escaped him. From here we can see that there is a power in the soul to ‘scream’ at oneself and shake himself to the core, to the point that it causes his connection to this world to be totally severed.[5] 

This is really a use of the power of mesirus nefesh: to penetrate deep into the soul, which gives a person the inner fortification to immediately give up all of his connection to this world – all in the blink of an eye.

(A similar concept to this is the concept of “holy cruelty.”[6] Although cruelty is normally an evil trait, Chazal say that a person should be “cruel” to his children by not listening to them if they ask him to leave his learning and go make a livelihood in order to support them. This is the same idea, that a person has the power to disconnect even from what he is deeply connected to, such as his family, if the time calls for it.)

The power of mesirus nefesh – deciding to give up your connection to this world - can work wonders in seconds, when it comes to solving any addiction. Even if it doesn’t immediately cause a drastic change, it can still have very quick results.

Utilizing “Mesirus Nefesh” On A Practical Level

“Mesirus nefesh” is a great power that can be applied to many areas of life. We will give some examples of how we can apply it practically and make use of this power more often.

Let’s say a person is learning with his chavrusa, and he realizes that he said something wrong to him. (This doesn’t only happen to you. It happens to me also). It is hard for a person to admit he is wrong – either because he feels like his pride is being swallowed, or because he is haughty. How can a person be able to admit he is wrong? If he develops the power to disconnect from this world, he can ‘disconnect’ as well from the wrong word that he said, and thus be able to admit that he was wrong.

Like all other abilities of the soul, this is also a power that can be used for either good for evil. Mesirus nefesh is the ability in a person to have a rapid disconnection from this world; there are some people who unfortunately use this power for evil. For example, there are people who decide to get divorced immediately, as soon as they like someone else. So there are definitely evil uses to this power of rapidly disconnecting.

Although there are people who abuse this power as we have said, at its root, it is a holy and constructive power in a person that enables him to immediately give up any strong connection he has to this world.

Practicing Disconnection

Even if you can’t give up a desire immediately, building your power of mesirus nefesh to give up desires will still help you give up other desires you are faced with. The more and more you do this, the more you will be able to disconnect even from things you are heavily connected to.

Practically speaking, you need to develop the ability to disconnect. Try this by disconnecting from small things in your life that you feel a bit connected to. (Don’t begin with trying to disconnect yourself from major things in your life, as this will not be realistic.)

For example, look around at items in your house and decide that you feel no connection whatsoever to those items.[7]

However, you must be very cautious with using this ability, because if you start getting rid of things in your house, you will ruin your marital peace, and such behavior will cause you to act destructive to both your house as well as to your soul.

Instead, begin to mentally disconnect yourself from the items in your house; start by mentally letting go of small items in your house, and do so with conscious awareness that you are trying to build up your power of mesirus nefesh, to let go of this world.

In Conclusion

We have described here how we use the elements of earth, water and wind and fire in the soul in order to solve desires that stem from earth-of-water-of-water – the root of addictive desires.