Inner World of the Bas Yisrael - 004 Discerning Our Motivations - Part 1

(Summary: In the first lesson, we learned, with siyata d’shmaya, that every person has four kinds of relationships: (1) Those who are “above” you, (2) Those who are “parallel” to you, (3) those who are “below” you, and (2) Your relationship with yourself.

It was also explained that the relationship one has with himself is the basis of all of our relationships. When one has a strong, healthy relationship with himself, he can develop proper relationships with others. A person’s relationships with others are essentially nourished by the level of one’s relationship towards his own self. In the previous lesson, we began to discuss a little about the primary area of relationship: one’s relationship towards his own self. It was explained that generally speaking, a person identifies himself, his “I”, based on three personal areas: His or her particular body, his or her particular desires and wishes, and his or her particular personality traits.

When one identifies himself or herself based on their bodily appearance, one has a “bodily” perspective of himself or herself, and this is a very coarse attitude. We mentioned this perspective, but we do not deal analyze it. The second way of self-identification is when one identifies himself based on what he wants, which is when one think that “I” am “what I want”, and when a person relates to himself in that way. A third way of self-identification is when a person recognizes himself based on the personality traits in his soul. Although we mentioned this perspective, we did not delve into. We explained that it is more accurate for a person to identify himself based on his personality traits, as opposed to identifying himself based on his desires. This is because desires change and they are not connected with the person’s essence, so they are like are “garments” of the soul, whereas personality traits of the soul are intrinsically a part of one’s soul. One’s personality traits can become corrected and more balanced, but in essence, the personality traits are unchanging.

However, in order for a person to clarify and recognize his or her personality traits, one will need to clarify his desires. In the previous lesson, we explained how a person can identify his desires. The practical way to do this, generally speaking, is for a person to write down all of his wishes, or at least most of them. At first a person should write down all of the things he is aware of that he wants, and later, a person should add on more desires to the list which he becomes aware of. Then a person should write down which thing he wants the most, which thing he wants second-to-most, etc. The idea is for a person to become aware of which things he wants very badly, and which things he doesn’t want that much. In this way, a person identifies his wishes and he becomes clear about them.)

The Need To Clarify Our Desires and Personality Traits

Before we continue, we shall emphasize again that since one’s relationship with oneself is based on one’s desires and personality traits, it is necessary for a person to become clear about these two areas. The clearer one becomes about one’s desires and personality, the more one will live in a clear world, and one will then have a stronger, truthful and more precise relationship with oneself.

We can compare this to a person who sees a picture. If the picture is dirtied, a person will not feel that much of an attraction towards the picture, but if the picture is clean, one will feel a stronger attraction to the picture when he sees it. This is only an analogy, but it is the same when it comes to the relationship one has towards himself. The more clearly a person recognizes and identifies his desires and personality traits, the stronger of a relationship one will have with himself, and he will live in a world of clarity. The relationship that he will have towards himself will develop with greater accuracy and precision.

Therefore, it is one’s duty to work hard at recognizing oneself, with greater and greater clarity, and the clearer one is in when it comes to self-recognition, the stronger one’s relationship with oneself will be. This is part of the clarification process which we have begun to mention in the previous lesson. In this lesson, we shall continue to discuss more about clarifying one’s desires and wishes, and we will proceed to another stage.

Our Will and The Movement of Our Will

In each of our desires (retzonos) that exist, there is the ratzon itself – the very fact that you want something - and there is also the “movement” of the ratzon, which is the way that the ratzon is being manifest.

Our Sages teach that the word ratzon is from the word ratz, “to run”. In other words, the ratzon (desires) of a person causes him to “run”, to pursue what he wants, causing a person to have “movement” – to actualize what he wants, from potential form to active form.

Every person has certain desires. The higher source of one’s ratzon is rooted above [the will for the spiritual], but it does not remain at its root level, it motivates a person and moves him to actualize his will and bring it to fruition. One’s will motivates him to actualize his thoughts and emotions and bring them to fruition. Sometimes the will extends to one’s will and sometimes it extends to the thoughts. Meaning, one’s will may be expressed through his thoughts or through his emotions, and sometimes it is expressed in one’s actions.

So there is our will itself – which includes whatever things that we want. This was discussed in the previous lesson, which was about identifying one’s desires and organizing them in order of priority. In this lesson we are dealing with the outcome of our will, to identify the “movement” of our will – to identify our motivations behind what we do.

However, it is not within our comprehension to identify the “movements” of our will at its root. Therefore, let us make use of a practical way by which a person can identify his motivations, as follows.

Example 1 – “Why Am I Organizing The House Right Now?”

One should pick any action that he or she did that day, and reflect about the following: What are all the possible reasons that a person would do this? After one has come up with several possible reasons, one should then think: “What is my personal reason or motivation in doing this?” 

Here is an example to help us relate better to the idea. A woman is tidying up or organizing the house. She can try thinking to herself: “What are my reasons in organizing the house?

One reason may be because she likes it when things are neat and organized, and she has a desire for an organized house, so that can she feel good about herself.

Another possible reason may be because she knows that if the house will be messy, she won’t be able to find things, and this will cause her to waste time trying to find what she is looking for.

Another possible may be because she wants to train her children to be more organized, because if they grow up in an organized house, they will want to be more organized. Sometimes even a very organized housewife doesn’t feel a need right now to organize the house, but she organizes the house anyway, so that the children will see this and learn how to be more organized.

An additional reason for organizing the house is because of marital peace. If one of the spouses is bothered by a messy home, the other spouse needs to be sensitive to the needs of the other spouse and organize the house.

There are also many other reasons as well why a person would organize the house. After she thinks of all the possible reasons, she should then think to herself why she, personally, wants to organize her house right now.

Example 2 – “Why Am I Washing The Dishes Right Now?”

Another example is when it comes to washing the dishes. When you’re washing the dishes, you can try asking yourself: Why are you washing the dishes right now? What are the possible reasons for doing this, and what is your personal reason in doing so?

One possible reason for washing the dishes is because if the dirty dishes remain piled high in the sink, with remnants of leftover food on them, the flies and mosquitoes will come and the kitchen will become a gross place. Another possibility in washing the dishes is because if the dishes don’t get washed, there won’t be clean dishes for the next meal. Another reason to wash the dishes is because it is part of the routine of organizing the home, and another reason is because if the dashes don’t get washed, this may bother the other spouse and disrupt the peace in the home. We can come up with more reasons as well for washing the dishes (such as preparing for Shabbos, or to look good for the mother-in-law, etc.)

After thinking of any of the above reasons, one can think to herself: What is my personal reason right now in washing the dishes?

Our Life – A Process of Clarifying

We have so far given two examples of actions which we can analyze and see what our motivations were in doing them. Anyone can think of more examples to think of. One can gradually progress like this, each time analyzing a different action and clarifying what possible motivations could have been behind it, and then wondering what one’s personal motivations was in doing it. This is a fundamental and important process to traverse.

We should be aware that there is never one reason when we do something. There are always several motivations in anything that we do. Although it may appear, at the surface, that there is one particular reason that motivated us to do something, upon some more reflection we can discover many more motivations in what we did. Therefore, it’s very important for a person to train himself to reflect into his motivations, and in this way one can become more aware of his motivations in something, and this trains the soul to become clearer. As a result, a person becomes more aware and more connected to himself.

This process of clarifying the motivations in our actions represents a part of the general attitude we should have towards life, which is that our life is a constant clarification process. Gradually this trains our soul to absorb that our inner world is a clear world, and that a person’s avodah is to enter into a process of clarification, to live in a clear world which is becoming clearer and clearer. In addition to this, the more we clarify the motivations in our actions, our soul becomes accustomed to this process of clarification and the result will be that we will gradually become clearer about our soul. In the active sense, we are getting used to clarifying each thing we come across, and as a result, we become clearer about our soul.

To summarize, in the previous lesson we explained how a person should learn about his existing desires and to list them in order of priority, so that one can gradually become aware of the different desires that are motivating him to do whatever he does. In this lesson, we explained that a person can become aware of his motivations in each of the actions that one does.

The more that a person practices this, the clearer one will become about his existing desires, as well as all of the existing motivations behind his actions, emotions, and thoughts. A person will then begin to change, from within, and he will see himself in a new light, because he will have clarified his soul, and he will realize that he is no longer the same person he recognizes. Sometimes a person will see that he has changed dramatically, and at other times he will see that the changes are less, but a person will definitely feel a change, a new sense of identity than before, because he will have become aware of the subtlest desires and motivations that are in him.

Essentially, there are two steps in clarifying our motivations. First we should be clarifying the possible motivations in each of our actions, as well as what actually motivated us to do what we did. This is how one can gradually identify what is particularly motivating him to act. Secondly, after passing the first stage, one should progress to the next stage: After a person discovers his motivations, he should make a list of which of his motivations are more important, and which are not as important.

In the previous lesson we explained that a person should make a general list of all her motivations, or at least most of them, and then to write them all down in order of priority. However, although it is proper to make this, the list still may not be precise. We are now explaining two more steps in this lesson which will help us make a more precise list, to help us clarify which of our motivations are stronger and which of them are not as strong.

As explained until now, there can be many different motivations behind our actions, which caused us to do whatever we did, and our first step is to discover the possible motivations. That is how we can identify the pattern of our motivations in our actions, and this is also how we can become aware of which motivations are particularly dominant in us.

The second step is that after we have identified what is particularly motivating us, we should then list them in order of priority: Which is the main motivation behind our actions? Which of our motivations appears only sometimes, and which motivation is not as common in our actions?

Gaining An Inner Connection To Yourself

The more we clarify our actions like this, we gain a more precise picture of how to list our motivations in order of priority, and we can then know which of our motivations is the strongest, which is second-to-strongest, etc. This is a very fundamental process. It takes time, but it is a fundamental process of clarification by which one can become clearer about what he wants. As mentioned, to the extent that one becomes clearer about what he wants, one will gain a stronger connection to his inner self [by way of knowing his desires].

In these lessons, we have been discussing how one can gain an inner connection with oneself, via getting to know what one wants, and namely by getting to know one’s primary desire. (We are not referring to one’s willpower itself, but to one’s personal strongest desire). This is because the will is the “garment” of the soul that is closest to one’s personality traits, and when one identifies this very subtle and deep “garment”, one gains a very precise self-identification.

An important example of this is the desire in a person to have children. Hashem created people with a desire for children, and this is a very strong desire of the soul, to the point that it can be seen as a desire that comes from the very essence of one’s soul. When one identifies himself based on the most powerful desire that he has, he is essentially learning how to identify himself, by way of that desire.

The very essence of the soul, one’s “I”, is hidden from a person. The deepest desires of a person can reveal the “I”. Therefore, when a person clarifies his deepest desires, and he is aware of which desires he wants more than others, he is clarifying the “garment” of his soul that is closest to his very “I”. Most people identify themselves based on their deepest desires, and although this is not the most accurate kind of self-identification, it is the level of most people to identify themselves like this. Therefore, when we clarify what we want and we can list them in order of priority, we are becoming clearer about the “garment” of the soul that is closest to our “I”.

In the coming lessons, with siyata d’shmaya, we will learn how to identify our “I”, in a manner that is precise, subtle, and deep. Currently, in this lesson, we are addressing a stage in which a person can gain a degree of self-identification based on his personal desires. Therefore, at this point, we are learning that the more one clarifies what one wants, the greater level of self-identification one will gain [and in the coming lessons, we will explain a deeper and more precise level of self-identification].

How We Should Relate To Our Improper Desires

We have been explaining thus far that the process being described here is essentially a map, by which one can clarify what he wants and gain self-identification. This leads us to understand that there is a big difference between identifying oneself based on holy, good desires, or, chas v’shalom, the opposite of holy desires.

If a person identifies that his strongest desire is a desire that is good and holy, and the person identifies himself based on this holy will, that is good. However, if one identifies that his strongest desire is an inappropriate desire, then he must know and explain to himself that this evil desire does not define his essence. Rather, the evil desire should be viewed as a dirty “garment” upon his soul.

We should never be identifying ourselves based on any desires that are negative. We certainly need to be aware of any negative desires that we have, and we will need to exert ourselves to purge them out so that our soul can become purified. But one should never, ever identify his or her “I” based on any improper desires that he or she has. If a person identifies himself based on his negative desires, and even worse, if he identifies any negative desire as his innermost desire, such a person brings himself down into the perspective of evil, and he subjects himself to a life of Gehinnom on this world.

Our “I” Cannot Be Evil

The work of a person is to identify oneself based on one’s good, holy desires. This does not mean that one should be in denial about his negative or improper desires which exist in him. Rather, he should view these improper desires with the attitude that Hashem has given him these shortcomings. A person can be fully aware that he has desires which are evil, negative, improper, or otherwise inappropriate – but that these evil desires do not represent the person. Rather, they are just dirty “garments” atop the person’s soul.

One’s pure desires are also not yet the very essence of the soul, but these pure desires are still the closest “garment” to the soul.

We shall repeat once again that after we have identified our various desires and after we can list them in order of priority, and after we have identified our strongest desire, we should understand that even our strongest desires (whether they are good or evil) do not represent our very essence. If our strongest desire is an improper desire, it is to be viewed as a dirty “garment” atop our essence.

We will need to locate our strongest desires that are good and holy. Although it may seem that our strongest desire is evil or improper, for the time being, we will not deal with it. We should simply view it as a dirty “garment” atop our soul, which we will ‘leave on the side’ for now. Let us instead find the strongest desire we identify in ourselves that is pure and holy. Once we identify our strongest desires that are holy, we can then gain an inner connection to our very self, by way of identifying more and more with these holy desires.

Identifying and Expanding Our Positive Desires

Practically speaking, after we have identified our strongest desire that is good and holy - or at least if we have identified some of our primary desires that are good and holy – we should then take those good desires and identify ourselves based on these good desires. We should think to ourselves: “These good, pure desires are me. They are the closest garment to my own personal soul.”

Again, we shall emphasize that even our good desires are not the actual essence of our soul. Rather, our good desires are the garment that is closest to our soul. The essence of our soul is the inner will of the soul to do the will of the Creator[1], and this is a deeply rooted desire of the neshamah. (Although most people do not consciously feel that their most powerful will is to do the will of the Creator, deep down on a subconscious level, one’s innermost will is to desire to do the Creator’s will).

After we have identified our good desires and we understand that our good desires are our closest step to our very self, we should then try to understand more about our good desires, and to expand them, in a way that is tailored to our individual soul.

With the more that a person does this, one will gradually reveal how his very essence is holy and pure. The real “me” of each person is pure and holy, and it is just covered over with a very dirty “garment”, of egoism and other aspects of coarse character. The prophet compares the sins of the Jewish people to “soiled clothing”. But the very essence of one’s soul remains clean and pure. One’s innermost holy desires are essentially the garments that reveal one’s “I”, the very essence of one’s soul.

The more we are identifying with our good desires and we are expanding them, the more that we are involved with our deep essence. Although our holy desires are still not the very essence of the soul, involving ourselves with our holy desires still brings us very close to the very essence of the soul, and this enables a person to gain a strong inner connection to oneself.

When a person involves himself with any matters that are not close to “who he is”, those matters will remove him from being involved with his true self. There is a teaching of the Mishnah, “Jealousy, lust and seeking honor remove a person from the world”[2], and it is explained that these pursuits remove a person from one’s personal, inner world. In contrast to this, when one is involved with the good desires of his soul, with the desires that are closest to his essence (and certainly when one is involved with the deepest desire of the soul, which is the will to do the Creator’s will), one will slowly become closer to his true self and gain an inner connection to the very self, which always remains pure and untainted.

In Conclusion

The words of this lesson were a completion of the previous lesson, which discussed how a person can gain an inner connection to himself by way of identifying his desires and by giving order and priority to them. In this lesson, we added on the stage of how to define our good desires and how to expand them. With the help of Hashem, in the next lesson we will discuss the stage of clarifying one’s personality traits.

As mentioned, the personality traits of one’s soul are the closest level to the very essence of the soul, and they are even closer to the soul than the good desires of the soul. This is because the desires of a person are subject to change (except for the innermost desire of the soul, the will to do the Creator’s will), whereas one’s personality traits are unchanging. Even so, it is still very important for a person to traverse the stage of knowing and clarifying one’s desires, as a way of drawing closer to one’s essence. In the next stage (b’ezras Hashem) we will learn about how one can connect to the essence of the soul, by way of one’s unique personality traits.