Fixing Your Earth [Sadness] - 013 Painful Separation & The Solution

Earth-of-Fire-of-Earth: The Sadness That Results From Severed Connection

With siyata d’shmaya we are continuing to learn about the element of earth and the trait of sadness. In the coming lessons, we will discuss the sadness that comes from the “fire” of earth.

One of the aspects of the element of fire is that it causes separation. A fire burns through something and reduces it into ash, breaking apart the molecules and separating them from each other. Fire takes something that was once one, unified piece, and turns it into scattered pieces of ash.

In this aspect, fire is the antithesis to the element of earth, which enables something to stay attached in one piece. The earth bonds, unifies, and connects things together into one piece. While earth itself also a scattered substance, anything placed in the earth will become part of it. A house is built on the ground and becomes attached to it, and it is considered to be a part of the ground, as in the rule of the Gemara, “Anything attached to the ground, is like the ground”[1], and as we declare about chametz on Erev Pesach: “Let it be nullified, like the dust of the earth.”[2] Even pegs, which are not as firmly attached to the ground as a house, are considered part of the ground. Earth is an element that fosters permanence, attachment, and connection.

As a result of the sin of Adam, man’s body must return to the earth, after death. The Vilna Gaon said that everything in Creation yearns to return to its root, and since the root of the body is in the earth, the body returns to its “root”, the earth of the ground, after death. Anything that comes from the earth will want to go back to the earth. Plants and animals are nourished from the earth, and they eventually become part of the earth, when they rot or die. In that sense, we can consider animals to be an extension of earth. Food mainly comes from the ground; the staple food of human beings is bread, which comes from the ground, as we say in the blessing of HaMotzi. We need to continuously eat in order to survive, and therefore, human beings have a constant connection to the element of earth. We keep returning to earth: throughout our life, by consuming the food grown from earth, and eventually returning to the ground after death.

This idea is the root behind sadness: when a person keeps ‘returning’ to ‘earth’. The most profound sadness is represented by death, which follows with the sadness of grief and mourning over the deceased. What is the depth of the sadness over the deceased? It is because people are grieving over the separation of the soul from the body. The very separation itself is what causes people to be sad.

Unlike earth, which keeps things together, fire causes separation. Whenever separation occurs, the element of “earth” will oppose the “fire” – the separation - because the task of earth is to keep something connected together. The Gemara says that moveable property is not considered to be permanent property[3], whereas unmoving property is considered to be permanent property. Earth keeps something in place and doesn’t let it move. Hence, earth is the idea of permanence.

The Sadness That Results From Grieving and Mourning The Deceased

Since the element of earth has an inborn yearning to keep things together, it will go through a grieving process whenever a connection has been severed, for earth desires permanence.

This is the depth behind the sadness of grieving and mourning over the deceased, and it also the very depth of sadness itself. Earth is the idea of permanent connection, and whenever a connection is severed, the earth will desire a return of the connection, and it will ‘grieve’ the loss of connection and permanence that has taken place. A person experiences this inner process as sadness. We can see that whenever a person mourns a deceased person whom he was close with, such as a child mourning the death of a beloved parent, the mourning itself enables the children to connect to the deceased parent. This is really because sadness [in this case, grieving and mourning] is a trait of the element of earth, and earth enables permanence, connection, and bonding.

What does sadness cause? Simply speaking, sadness is an emotion. But on a deeper level, sadness, grieving, and mourning is a way for people to remain connected to each other. If not for the sadness of mourning, people would become separated from each other, through death. Through mourning the deceased, the mourners are able to remain connected to the deceased. Thus, earth\sadness enables one to remain connected to something.

Death causes separation between people, as it is written, “For death will separate between me and you”[4], but the element of earth in a person will desire to reconnect with the deceased. Sadness is essentially a deep yearning for reconnection, to remain connected to something after there has been a separation.

Earth-of-Fire-of-Earth: A Consistent Desire For Reconnection After Separation

Fire-of-earth is when there is separation (fire) within bonding (earth) where a person is not able to accept that there has been a total destruction caused by the separation/fire, because he still desires to reconnect. “Earth”-of-fire-of-earth is when a person has a continuous, consistent yearning to reconnect, long after the separation has occurred.

A clear example of this is when a person still wants to grieve over the deceased, even after the halachic mourning period of 12 months is over. This prolonged sense of grieving is experienced by those who have a lot of “earth” within their fire, resulting in the sadness (earth) that is produced from fire-of-earth. Hence, the sadness of prolonged grieving stems from earth-of-fire-of-earth.

When this nature dominates, a person feels like he cannot separate completely, even though a separation has occurred. Therefore, he cannot accept the separation. The earth in his soul desires to remain connected to that which he was connected to, long after there has been fire\separation. The “earth” within his “fire-of-earth” will be experienced as a desire to experience connection (earth) even within the separation (fire), causing him profound sadness (earth-of-fire-of-earth), because he will want to keep reconnecting.

When one repairs his power of earth-of-fire-of-earth, he is able to use it in a holy manner: to keep reconnecting with the kedushah (holiness) of the spiritual, meaning that he never allows himself to ever become completely disconnected from the desire for holiness and for closeness with Hashem, as in the verse “Pull meafter You, with desire”.[5] But when earth-of-fire-of-earth is left impaired state, it will manifest as an inability to accept any kind of separation or loss of permanence.

Examples of Impaired Earth-of-Fire-of-Earth (Inability To Accept Separation)

Here are some very practical examples of it.

There are some people who cannot part from anything which gives them a feeling of childhood nostalgia. It might be an item or a toy they remember from childhood, yet they feel like they cannot part from it, even in adulthood. An elderly person might have an entire shelf full of various childhood memories, objects, and toys. A picture album would be more understandable and it isn’t a sign of being unable to part from the past, but toys and other objects from childhood are simply there to evoke childhood nostalgia. People can very close to these items, attaching great meaning to them, and they might feel so powerfully connected to these items that they are absolutely unwilling to separate from them.

Another example, which is very common, is when a person dies and he leaves over certain family “heirlooms” as part of the inheritance, and the children are fighting about who gets to keep these cherished family heirlooms. Usually, when there are fights between the children about inheritance, they are fighting over money, but in some cases, they will fight even over things that have no or little monetary value, simply because these items are “meaningful” and provide certain childhood nostalgia. Even if the children aren’t actually feuding about this, they might still be unable to part from some of these objects. The child feels a powerful connection to these objects, and he feels: “This is something that belonged to my parent!”

Another example, which is also very common, is that there are some people who feel forever connected to their past memories, whether big or small. They keep remembering their past memories, and they will tell others about various past events that they are reminded of, and they can often be heard saying, “I remember that such and such happened about 30 years ago…” What is the source of this?

Sometimes, it can be because a person never wants to think of his future, even in old age, and therefore he always busies himself with the past. Whereas Torah scholars become wiser as they age[6] and they will think more about the Next World, an ignoramus will only become more foolish as he ages, and he may never want to think of his future at all. In many cases, an elderly person has no future and no present – only his past. After all, it is difficult for him to move around and be active as he used to, he feels unneeded, as if he is “gone from the world”[7]. Therefore, he doesn’t have a present. He feels like he has nothing to do on this world right now, so all he thinks about is the past. This is why we find that many old people will only talk about their past, and they can talk to others about their past all day long. This problem is found by many elderly people.

But in other cases, a person will often talk only about his past. He will tell others about random memories of various past events he remembers, as long as something triggers a past memory. This is the kind of problem we are discussing in the lesson: an unwillingness to separate. When people talk all the time about random memories, it is really because they have a difficulty in severing themselves from whatever happened. Even in their young age, they may be like this, and the problem will just worsen in old age. In young children, this problem may manifest as an unwillingness to part from certain toys.  

On a similar note, we discussed in one of the previous lessons about a problem of unwillingness to depart from a situation, such as a person who works at a bad job but doesn’t want to part from it, or in a bad house which he doesn’t want to move out from. This is reminiscent of the rule of the Gemara, “This is how it is, so this is how it always was.”[8]

Earth-of-fire-of-earth is when there is a permanence and consistency (earth) of the despair (fire-of-earth) from connection. We have seen the problem of how earth and fire clash, and of the problem of impaired earth-of-fire-of-earth. The earth in one’s soul will demand a permanent kind of connection, and when one despairs from attaining permanent connection, there is sadness. This is the sadness that results from earth-of-fire-of-earth.

Repairing the Sadness of Earth-of-Fire-of-Earth: Using Our “Fire” To Disconnect

Another aspect of fire is that it rises. When a person has the power to disconnect, he can rise higher. This is the repaired, holy use of fire. Through using the element of fire, a person can disconnect from a previous situation and move on. It is like when a first-grade child graduates to second grade.

What happens when earth dominates? A person stays in place and he cannot disconnect from his current situation. This causes sadness. It resembles death, where a person stops moving. Although the dead can also talk to each other, as we find in the Gemara that spirits can talk to each other[9], and also because the words of Torah are uttered from the deceased when others speak of the deceased’s Torah teachings[10], this is very minimal movement, and for the most part, the dead do not move. The less movement there is, the more one stagnates and the more profound his sadness will be.

As explained earlier, sadness comes from a demand for permanent connection after the connection has been severed. A person yearns to be permanently connected with something, and when he isn’t getting the permanent connection, he becomes sad. How can this sadness be repaired?

It is clear that there is only one eternal connection each person has: to his root. The root of a Jew’s soul is in the collective soul of the Jewish people, in the Torah, and in Hashem. All other connections and relationships that we have on This World are transient. They do not last forever, and they are only a temporary situation, for the time that we are on This World. All of the connections and relationships that we have are but ‘branches’ of the ‘root’ connection that we have, which is our connection to Above. There is no connection or relationship that we have on This World which is permanent. When a person identifies himself as being a neshamah, he recognizes that his main connection is to his root, which is: to the souls of Yisrael, to the Torah, and to Hashem.

However, a person usually identifies much more with his body, as opposed to his neshamah, and therefore he is heavily connected to the root of the body, which is the element of earth. That is why in the usual scenario, a person will mainly desire connections that are worldly and temporal. The Zohar says that “A person sits in this world and thinks he will be here forever. A person knows, intellectually, that he will not live on this world forever, but he doesn’t think of this often, and he definitely doesn’t speak that way, because his material body is demanding for him to be connected to various worldly things.

Whenever becomes connected to anything on This World and he wants it to be forever, he is attaching permanence to it, and in doing so, he misuses the soul’s power of permanence (earth). Instead of using his power of permanence to be connected with the eternal, to Above, he uses his power of permanence to be connected to [various things or people] on This World.

One needs to become aware that all of the connections that we have on This World are temporary, and they are not with us forever. They are not an intrinsic part of our being. One needs to re-think all of the connections and relationships he has on This World, and realize that these connections are not permanent, and that one day he will not have them anymore. Ideally, one should acquire this thinking even before he becomes connected with anything on This World, and he shouldn’t wait to acquire this attitude until after he is already connected. A person needs to realize that someday, all of the connections that he has on This World will come to an end.

Example 1 – The Transience of Marriage On This World

Here is one example of the idea. (For some people, this will be very hard to hear, but it is the truth.)

A person gets married, Baruch Hashem. In a few cases, the couple already knows beforehand that they will not be with each other forever. But in most cases, the couple thinks that they will be together forever. And what will be with later? They never think about this at all.

Certainly it is possible for their souls to be connected even after they die, when their souls unite with their root, in Heaven. But in most marriages, the husband and wife do not form a soul connection with each other. Most people are not marrying a spouse with the same soul root as they, and instead, they are marrying someone who is in the category of a “second spouse” (zivug sheini, who is not their ‘soul mate’) as opposed to a “first spouse” (zivug rishon, the soul mate), so the husband and wife do not share the same soul root. Therefore, most couples will not be connected with each other forever.

Even in the cases where the husband and wife do bear the same soul root, they are usually distant from each other, because they usually will not form a true, genuine connection with each other[11], and therefore, their connection is not stemming from a true place. For most people, marriages are in the category of a temporary connection. Since most people are living at an external level of life, as opposed to the inner layer of life, the connection between the spouses is usually temporary, not eternal. They usually do not form a bond with each other that becomes intrinsic.[12]

(This is the depth behind why in the Talmud, the tractate of Gittin (the laws of divorce) precedes the tractate of Kiddushin (the laws of betrothal and marriage) - it is because there is often an attitude of disconnection from each other’s souls which the couple enters into marriage with. (On a deeper level, the tractate of Gittin precedes the tractate of Kiddushin because it is like how the concept of heda’er (nothingness) precedes havayah (being)[13]: one needs to first understand how this connection is able to be destroyed, in order to understand how to build this relationship properly).

In light of the above, one needs to understand that his marriage will not be forever, and that there is no guarantee that he will remain connected with his spouse in Heaven.

Abusing Relationships Vs. Deepening The Quality of our Relationships

Certainly, if one goes too far with this concept, he will abuse the idea and he won’t value any of the relationships he has, when he is aware that it’s all temporary and this makes him become apathetic. That attitude would only have a devastating effect on his marriage and on all his other relationships as well.

But this problem will only develop when one is not aware of the true nature of connection with others. One needs to understand that without a connection to Above, all relationships are on this world are missing their root and they will cease one day, because they are not attached with their root. Therefore, one needs to strengthen the quality of his relationships with others with the awareness that our primary connection we have is with Above, with that which is eternal [the souls of the Jewish people, the Torah, and Hashem].  

In short, the idea is that person needs to be aware before he gets married, before he enters into any relationship with another, that every connection he has on This World will only be temporary, and that it will end one day.

Example 2 – The Transience of Our Children On This World

This idea should also be applied to how one views the relationships he has with his children. A person is joyous upon the birth of a child, but what does he need to think when he is about to have a child, or at the birth of the new child? He needs to become aware that his connection to this child will only be temporary. It is only a relationship for This World. One should become aware of this even before the birth of the child, and not wait to develop this attitude until later.[14]

Example 3 – The Transience of Our Living Quarters

When one moves into a new home, he must also be aware that he will not have it forever. One should be aware that just as he has entered his new, so will he exit it one day.

Changing Our View Towards Relationships

We can give many more examples of the concept, but the point is always the same: that we should understand how every connection we have on This World is temporary, and it is not here forever!

There is also a higher attitude to have: every connection that we have on this world can be seen as a “tool” which we can use to reveal the root of all connections, which is our connection to Above. This is a very deep perspective to have. But on a far simpler level - which applies to most people, who live in the external side of life - the attitude needs to be, that all connections we have on this world are not with us forever.

This is the depth of repairing the element of earth. Without this attitude, one is too connected with his earth and he will want to feel permanently connected to things, and this will lead him to sadness.

The Joy That Can Be Revealed Through Mourning

Now we will go deeper with this idea.

When one of the spouses passes away before the other - which is usually the case, because it is rare for the spouses to die together at the same time - there is normally an intense sadness that results from the grief caused by this separation from each other. But if one acquires the deeper view that is being described in this lesson, he becomes aware that the separation of death is only a separation of soul from the body, which reveals the connection to Above: a soul connection. When one is truly aware of this, instead of experiencing inconsolable sadness that usually accompanies the mourning period over the death of a beloved one, this very situation can instead become an experience of the verse “For in joy, they go out.” [15]

When one lives like this, he becomes aware, before entering each connection with another person that there will be an eventual separation and that the connection is only temporary. Of course, one cannot attain this perspective completely, because we will always be affected somewhat by the material view of our physical body, since we live on This World. But one is still able to acquire this awareness on his own level, and thereby give deeper meaning and entirely change his view towards all connections and relationships that he has on this world, for the better. The quality of one’s relationships with others will increase, with the more one adapts this deeper perspective towards our connections and relationships that we have on This World.

When a person first hears about this concept, he might think of it as a cold attitude which causes a person to become disconnected from others and apathetic about his relationships. This happens only when a person is only able to relate to a material, physical connection to another, and that is where a person attaches permanence to. When that is the case, it is certainly too difficult for people to accept the idea of learning how to disconnect. When one cannot relate to anything more permanent than a bodily connection to another, then of course, he will becomes very saddened when he hears about the very idea of disconnection or separation from another.

In contrast, the more one becomes in touch with his intrinsic essence, with his eternal soul, the more he can connect to the intrinsic essence of others, with their eternal souls, forming an eternal, soul connection with others, as opposed to forming a physical connection to others that is limited to our temporary stay on This World.

In Conclusion

Earth-of-fire-of-earth, when impaired, is when a person demands connection after there has been a separation, and this leads to sadness. When one identifies the outer and inner layers of connection [the outer layer of connection is the physical, material aspect of the connection, and the inner layer is the connection to Above that fuels the connection and enables one to form a true soul connection with others], he gains the awareness before entering into a connection and relationship with another that it is only temporary [meaning that it is not guaranteed to be forever]. Through this, one trains his soul to be able to be connected with others yet also be able to disconnect from them.

This awareness enables one to have a true connection, to the eternal, to Above [as explained, this includes one’s connection to the collective soul of the Jewish people, to the Torah, and to Hashem].

This is also how one attains a balance between his opposing elements of earth and fire. Instead of a clash between one’s earth and fire, one is able to unify them together, so that the earth and fire are working together in a harmonious balance. This balance will enable a man and woman to become truly connected to each other, a union that reveals the Shechinah.[16]