Reaching Your Essence - 004 Beginning To Reach the Innermost Point

The Difference Between the Yechidah and the Rest of our Soul

So far, we have begun to discuss how to reveal our true self. We have explained that a person is made up of body and soul, but his real essence is his soul, and the body is only a garment on top of it.

The soul itself is one piece. It is split up into five “names”, but it is essentially one existence. It has five names – Nefesh, Ruach, Neshamah, Chayah, and Yechidah. These are five names that describe the same essence of the soul.

The soul has five “names” to it, but it is all essentially one essence; it is not five separate parts in a simple sense, but it has five names that describe one reality.

To explain this a bit more, it is only our body’s viewpoint which views the soul as having five parts to it, but the true view of how to view the soul is through our soul’s viewpoint. This is to view the soul through the Yechidah, which is the deepest point of our soul.

The Yechidah in our soul knows that our soul is really undivided and that there while the other layers of our soul do not comprehend this. But we have the ability to have this deep comprehension, and it is when we reach our Yechidah’s viewpoint. When we reach this deep inner understanding, we will be able to see how our soul is really all one existence that includes everything in it.

Search for the Truth

The story of Reb Elazar ben Durdaya is famous. He begged all of Creation to plead mercy on his behalf until he realized, “The matter is dependent only on me.” Then he cried so much until his soul left him.

Reb Elazar ben Durdaya had an inner push in him that was searching for the truth. He had sunk very low with all his sins, and he was in the lowest kind of impurity; he had sunk to the fiftieth level of impurity. But it was precisely then that he was able to reach the greatest holiness. For everything evil that Hashem created, Hashem created a force that is equal to it in good. When a person is in the fiftieth gate of impurity, he actually has the opportunity to reach deeply into himself and come to the fiftieth gate of holiness. The inner voice of the soul, the “fiftieth gate of holiness” that is deep in the soul, is an endless voice in a person that demands the truth. It doesn’t let a person rest until he satisfies its call.

Compare this to a person who needs heart surgery. He goes to the doctor and they tell him, “For five shekel, we’ll start the surgery.” Not only won’t they succeed, but nothing even starts. So, too, when a person is searching to overcome his problems, he might get rid of the external layers to his problems, but he can still be ignoring the root of his problems. His inner voice inside him is pleading for something else, and it isn’t being satisfied.

People have all kinds of problems in life. The outer layers to our problems might be solved by going to a psychologist, but it won’t help to satisfy the inner voice of our soul. Our soul wants something else. No one in the world will be able to take away the root of our problems. Not even the holy Avos would be able to take away a person’s problems if he would go to them. Why? Because the soul of the person is demanding that he should do something about it. He won’t be able to silence it until he reaches the all-inclusive perspective of the soul.

We can compare this to a metal spring. The more we pull it back, the more it will spring forward. The inner voice of the soul, which is telling a person that he needs to grow, that he needs to search, is like a spring. If a person only seeks partial perfection, he will get sprung only half the distance that he could have reached. But if a person pushes as much as he can and aims for the complete level, he will be able to reach the end, because he will get sprung very far.

Many people in the world are searching for something. People always searched. Why don’t people find what they are searching for? It is because not everyone is searching like Rebbu Elazar ben Durdaya, who cried from the depths of his soul, until his soul left him.

When Rebbi heard about the story of Rebbi Eliezer ben Dordaya, he said about him, “There is a kind of person who acquires his World To Come in a one shaah (hour).” It is not easy to acquire the World To Come so fast. What’s the difference if a person acquires it through one hour or through 100 hours? The word Shaah means to be poneh, to turn. It means to turn to one goal alone. When Rebbi Eliezer ben Dordaya saw that one could help him except himself, he turned only to his inner voice of the soul and heard it, which told him that he must seek only the Ein Sof (the Infinite) of Hashem.

Knowing Why We Are Searching

We are trying to learn about how we can reveal our soul. If someone doesn’t search for this, he wouldn’t be interested in reading or hearing about this. Anyone who came here to learn how to reveal his soul obviously came here out of a desire to reveal the soul. But the question is: How much you are really searching for this?

Compare this, l’havdil, to a person who wants kavod (honor). Every person would like kavod, but some people don’t pursue it so much. Others run after kavod and get very offended when their kavod is slighted; there are even people who die out of a broken heart if their kavod is severely attacked. So there are some people who merely would like kavod, while there are others who live entirely for kavod. The first kind of person will be a bit sad if he doesn’t get kavod, but he’ll get over it. He knows he exists even if he doesn’t get kavod. The second kind of person, however, seeks kavod as if it’s his whole life, because he attaches his existence to the pursuit of kavod.

In the same way, we can understand that if we want to truly reveal our soul, we have to really search for it, and it not enough if we just try partially to reveal it. We need to search to reveal it no less than how we understand a person who is hungry for kavod, who does not just search for it partially; he seeks it totally.

Thus, the question is, when a person searches to reveal his soul, is he only searching for this partially, or he is searching for this totally? If a person has a partial aspiration to reveal his soul, but he feels that he can move on in life if he doesn’t, then he might get to a partial revelation of his soul, but he won’t get to a total revelation of it. If a person completely seeks to reveal his soul, however, then such a search is emanating from his innermost point of the soul, which contains everything - and thus, he will indeed get to his desired goal.

So when a person is searching, for any goal, he has to know where this is search is coming from in himself. How much is a person willing to expend on what he searches for? If a person is only a little interested in searching for something, he won’t get that far. Only when a person is willing to search for something completely does he truly search for it, and only this kind of person will get reach what he wants on the complete level.

Avraham Avinu searched for the Creator. Nimrod, also, was also searching for the Creator in his life. But Avraham Avinu was willing to jump into a fire for this. Nimrod was not ready to do this. The depth behind this is that a fire cannot destroy the innermost point of one’s soul. It can destroy only the external parts of the soul, but it cannot destroy our essence.

If a person searched in his life only for things that were superficial, then indeed, if he were to be thrown into a fire, he is destroyed by a fire. But as for those who reached their innermost point in the soul, when they were thrown into a fire, they were not destroyed. There were Jews in previous generations who let themselves be thrown into a fire to sanctify Hashem’s Name. The depth of their act was because they knew that fire could only destroy their body. It could not destroy their essence, their innermost point of the soul.

A person might be searching to reveal his soul, but only because he is suffering physically. He wants to have an outer-body experience so he can leave the pain of his body, but not because he really wants to reach his soul. Such a person will be satisfied as long as he reaches the outer part of the soul, because his whole wish is to leave the pain of his body.

How do we reach our innermost point of the soul, which contains everything? Before we do anything, we need to want to get there. It’s not enough to think of how to get there. We must reveal a true will for it.

Why Do We Want Moshiach?

One of the thirteen principles of faith is to believe that Moshiach will come – “And although he tarries, even so, I still wait for him, every day, that he should come.”

The Chasam Sofer was asked: Why is believing in Moshiach’s arrival one of the prerequisites of faith? If a person believes in G-d but he’s a bit skeptical about when Moshiach will arrive, why is he is considered to be a non-believer?

There is a famous story that someone once came to his Rebbi that he was having troubles with his livelihood and with the local poritz (czar). The Rebbi told him, “Either daven that Moshiach should come, or, go to Eretz Yisrael. He asked his wife what they should do, “Daven that Moshiach should come, so that Moshiach should come and get rid of the poritz.”

There is a deep statement of the Baal HaTanya: “The Moshiach that people daven for will not come, and the Moshiach who comes is someone that people do not await.” What did he mean? There are many people who want Moshiach to come, so that Moshiach will solve the overdraft he has in the bank, so that his daughter can get her shidduch, so that he should be healthy, etc. This kind of person wants Moshiach so that he can be comfortable. He’s not really awaiting Moshiach. He’s awaiting someone who will come solve all his problems.

If Moshiach would come for that reason, then belief in Moshiach wouldn’t be one of the 13 principles of faith. Awaiting Moshiach is to await the all-inclusive light that will come to the world. It is not about awaiting the time in history of Moshiach, but rather, to await the time in which Hashem’s Name will be one.

If one hasn’t yet reached his innermost point of the soul, he doesn’t await Moshiach, because in his mind, when Moshiach comes, he won’t get any more “bamba” or “bissli” (nosh in Israel). Who truly awaits Moshiach? Only the innermost point in our soul, our Yechidah, really wants Moshiach. Our body wants Moshiach so that we will be comfortable. Our Yechidah wants Moshiach because it wants the all-inclusive light that will come to the world. 

Thus, we must await Moshiach every day, because one must learn how to leave his superficial viewpoint and enter into the all-inclusive viewpoint, in which he sees how all details are unified, which will be fully revealed to all with the coming of Moshiach.

Reb Zusha of Anipoli met Eliyahu HaNavi and asked him when Moshiach is coming. Eliyahu told him that the Sages say that “The son of David will not come until every perutah (coin) is missing from our wallets”, and then Eliyahu HaNavi explained the deeper meaning of this: Moshiach will not come until all the “peratios” – every divided part – is no longer. Moshiach will come only when there are no more “divisions”; when there will only be unity.

What is the exile? There are many layers to the exile. There is physical sickness and suffering. Jews are living in other countries other than Eretz Yisrael. We are controlled by non-Jews and we don’t have our own nationality. An even more inner problem is that exile has caused us to be lax in keeping the mitzvos. But all that is only the external layer of the exile.

The core of the exile is that we aren’t yearning for the state of spiritual perfection of Moshiach’s times. Moshiach will come to reveal each person’s Yechidah.

Thus, if we want to reveal our Yechidah, then we need to aspire for its perspective. We must wish to come out of our “partial” viewpoint, the view from the outer layers of our soul, and enter into the all-inclusive viewpoint of the soul, which is the view from the Yechidah, the very essence of our soul.

There are layers to how we can identify our self as being a neshamah, a soul. The inner way of how we can do it, though, is by realizing, that our soul’s essence is all-inclusive, because everything is really in it.

The View From The Yechidah: Realizing That You Have Everything

The Arizal said that all of the high levels that he reached came from his happiness in Torah and mitzvos. There are many explanations to what he meant; the deeper meaning is as follows.

We must know what happiness is. What is happiness? The word for happiness in Hebrew is simcha, which has the same letters as chameish, five, meaning, a person usually has happiness in various “parts”, which is the idea behind “five” as opposed to “one.” A child is happy when we give him anything to play with, usually pieces. But real happiness is, “The righteous rejoice in Hashem.” In other words, happiness is when one is happy with something all-inclusive. The Arizal reached the complete understanding that the soul contains everything, and that was the root of his deep happiness that he reached.

This is not a ‘segulah’ to reach our innermost point - it is rather the actual definition of our innermost point. We need to arrive at the point in us that is “everything.”  It is called the ohr Ein Sof, the Infinite Light, in the soul.

If we don’t uncover it in ourselves, then we will only be happy when we have a good experience here and there in life, like when we “have a nice time” or when we go on an exciting trip. This happiness is only in the “parts” of life, and it is not real happiness. The true happiness is to arrive at your real “I”, your soul, which is your innermost point, which is when you reach the inner understanding that you really have everything, and not just good “times” and good “parts” in your life. It is a very deep understanding in which you realize that you really have all that there is inside yourself.

Our soul is who we are, while our body is a garment. We must know what the structure of the soul is. Our body is a garment over our soul. The lower layers of the soul are garments of the higher layers. Our Nefesh is the garment over our Ruach. Our Ruach is the garment over our Neshamah. Our Neshamah is the garment over our Chayah. Our Chayah is the garment over our Yechidah – and our Yechidah is, so to speak, a garment over the Infinite Light of Hashem. Our innermost point that we can come to recognize is our Yechidah.

There are two ways to get to it. One way is to get it to slowly, penetrating through all the garments of our existence until we get to the innermost point. The other way is to penetrate straight into the innermost point. Rebbi Eliezer ben Dordaya reached this – he merited, in one moment, to reach his innermost point.

We can either turn to our body, to our layers of our soul, or to our innermost point – our essence.

In order to realize we are a soul, we need to gain the perspective of how everything is contained in our essence, and that it is not merely another part of our self. It is the understanding that our soul is really all one existence that includes in it everything.

Holding Onto Part of Our Soul Can Help Us Hold Our Entire Soul

How do we gain this viewpoint?

There is a concept of the Baal Shem Tov that “If one holds onto the edge of achdus (the unified essence of everything), it is as if he is holding onto everything.” This is possibly the deepest statement ever said by the Baal Shem Tov.

In other words, if you can’t grasp everything, you can hold onto part of it, and it’s like you’re “holding onto” everything.

To illustrate, it doesn’t seem that we can hold onto everything. You can’t hold onto every apple, and if you hold onto an apple, that doesn’t mean you are really holding onto every apple in the world through holding this apple. So the words of the Baal Shem Tov are not to be understood by regular human logic.

The Baal Shem Tov said that there is a way to hold onto everything, that if you hold onto a little, you are able to hold everything through it. Superficially, it means “as if”, but that is not the meaning, chas v’shalom. It’s the deep fundamental understanding of the entire soul.

“Holding onto a little of everything” really doesn’t make sense. How do you hold onto a little of everything? Is it like holding onto a string that goes around the entire world? There is no such string, and even if there would be, holding onto that string wouldn’t mean that we are holding onto the entire world. So what does it mean that you can get everything by holding onto a little of it?

It means that there are two ways of how to grab onto the edges of our soul. One way is to grab onto it by trying to perform positive actions to get there, and this is called chiyuvi. There is another way of how to grab onto the edge of the soul: sometimes, we must not “do” anything at all. This is called shelilah. We will explain what this is.

“Chiyuvi” and “Shelilah”

When a person is afraid of losing his apartment, he holds onto his money and is afraid of losing it. This is a kind of grasping which is about accomplishing something because if he lets go of the money, he won’t be able to keep his apartment. This is a kind of “grabbing” that we are familiar with; it is called chiyuvi, to do an action that accomplishes something. But sometimes, the way we hold onto something is by letting go of it! This is called shelilah.

What does it mean to grasp something by letting go of it? To illustrate this concept, if a person really wants to have good children, Reb Pinchos of Koritz zt”l said that even though one must show love to his children, he must keep a little distance as well. Why? Because if a father shows too much love to his children, they will actually lose some of their self-esteem. They will never develop their own confidence if their father only showers love on them and never once keeps a distance from them. When there is too much love, one’s close relationship with his children can actually harm them; there are parents who don’t let their children anywhere, not even to the supermarket, because they are so attached to their child. If you really want the child to develop, give him some space so that he can develop his individuality.

Here we see that there is a way for a person to let go of something, yet that allows for growth.

We can give more examples of the concept from the physical world. A person is brushing his teeth. If he brushes too hard, he will bleed and hurt his mouth. If he lets go of his strong hold on the brush and he brushes lightly, he will be able to brush properly. So we see that sometimes, letting go of your grasp on something is what allows you to gain.

We know of Hashem as the all-capable Being, which is the meaning of Elokim. We think He is strong than billions of humans together, that He is above all of us. Out entire perspective is in terms of chiyuvi, of how things are accomplished in the active sense,as the Rambam writes. We are not used to the other perspective, of accomplishing things through refraining from action, which is called shelilah.

The depth behind this matter, shelilah, is because there is a deep point in the soul called ayin: “nothingness”. It is an ability in our soul in which we refrain from doing something – the power of shelilah. This is a deep power that has to sometimes be utilized. Sometimes, we have to “not do” something. It is not so known to most people.

In order to grab onto the essence of our soul, which is ayin, you can’t grab onto it in the same way you grab onto anything that is chiyuvi. It is rather grasped through shelilah. There, a person can find his innermost happiness.

Doing, and Not Doing

Our mitzvos are contained of 248 positive commandments and 365 negative commandments. This shows us that the essence of our avodah is to refrain from certain actions. Simply, we think that only doing the mitzvos gives us holiness, while refraining from committing a sin does not give us holiness, and it is just an absence of impurity. But the truth is that even refraining from a sin gives us holiness!

People are more interested in “What to do”, while there is very little interest in “what not to do.” But the non-active part of our life is important, and in fact, it represents the nature our soul’s essence, and thus, it is the basis of how we reach our essence.

To give an example, look at the summer and winter seasons. In the summer, generally there is more action, and people are much more active in the summer. The winter is a time where there is not much activity going on, just staying indoors mostly. People that are more active love the summer – but they hate the ‘boring’ winter. But there is a lot to be learned from the winter season. It is a time in which we must learn that just as we can perform by being active, so too can we accomplish and perform even when we aren’t active.

Similarly, by daytime we are more active, and by night, we are less active. We need both aspects in our life, because there is what to gain from each of these facets to our life. Sometimes we act, and sometimes, we need to ‘not’ act.

We need to learn a new language: the power to “not do” something. Just like we can move, so can we learn how to refrain from movement.

Chiyuvi gives us partial gains, while shelilah can give us everything. Only shelilah can connect us to the concept of how everything is contained in our essence, which is the viewpoint from our Yechidah. In order to get to this perspective - which is really the Infinite Light of the soul - we need to realize what our point of shelilah is and how to work with it.

At first, when Hashem made the world, He took away some of His space, and after that He put Creation into that empty space. This was the first, starting point of Creation. Thus, non-action is really the root of everything in our existence.

We are usually active, and sometimes we are not active. But the point of non-action is the innermost point of our soul. In order to reach our innermost point, our Yechidah, we need to reveal the power of this empty space in the soul, called ayin, which is revealed through utilizing our power of shelilah.

When a person wants to reveal his soul he tends to do certain actions to try to get there. But the innermost point of our soul is non-action. Therefore, we need to recognize what this is in ourselves, and after that we can reach our essence, our Yechidah.

To illustrate the concept, at first, when Rebbi Eliezer ben Dordaya realized that he needed to repent, he turned to all of Creation to pray on his behalf, but they did not want to pray for him. He wanted action; he wanted a great noise to stir him and get him moving. But anything he turned to refused to help him, and that’s when he realized that all of these actions of prayer for him will not get him to the inner point that he needed to reach. He realized the depth of this concept, that “non-action” is the root of how he will get to his essence, and that is indeed how he got there.

It is written, “For no man shall see Me and live.” The Zohar says that this is only while a person is alive, but when a person dies, however, he does get to see Hashem. What is the depth of this? The simple meaning is that a person cannot see Hashem when he is alive, because he has a physical body that gets in the way. After he dies, he no longer has a body and he is entirely a soul, thus he can see Hashem after death. But the deeper meaning is, after death, a person realizes his inner point of non-action, and from that he is able to reach everything.

Utilizing The Power of Mesirus Nefesh (Sacrificing Your Desires)

The Sages say that one should “die before he dies.” On a deep note, we have the power to “die” in our soul by not doing anything at all, the power to say, “Enough is enough.”  We don’t need any action for this.

This is not referring to putting a stop to physical non-action, but to the soul’s power to realize that no action has to be done. This is referring to the power of mesirus nefesh, the ability in a person to die for Hashem. The Arizal says that when a person is willing to die al kiddush Hashem, he merits the revelation of his Yechidah.

If a person doesn’t want to die for Hashem, from a deep perspective it really means that he doesn’t know how to put a stop to his “action” mode of the soul. Some people can’t close their store on Shabbos – that’s one kind of problem. A deeper kind of problem is, that there are people who have no Shabbos in their own soul! They have no inner rest. They only know how to be active.

We only know what Shabbos is. It’s the seventh day of the week. But Shabbos exists in our soul as well. On Shabbos, it is forbidden to speak of mundane things. It is about stopping the world, saying “Enough” to all action. The Shabbos we have today is only a “mini World To Come”, and not the entire World To Come. In the future we will have the eternal Shabbos, the eternal menuchah (serenity). But if someone reaches his Shabbos in the soul, he reaches the eternal Shabbos in his own soul.

When we speak of the concept of mesirus nefesh here, this does not necessarily mean that we have to die in order to have mesirus nefesh (self-sacrifice). We can have mesirus nefesh every day! By uncovering our power of Ayin in our soul – by learning how to refrain and not do something – we can reach mesirus nefesh every single day! It’s a Shabbos-like attitude in our soul.

I met a person yesterday who told me he has a problem. His wife was pregnant, and the doctors told him that the fetus might not survive. I asked him “So what’s the problem?” He told me, “What do you mean what’s the problem? Because he might die.” I said to him, “And what will happen then?” He was incredulous. “What do you mean? I already feel that this is my future child.” He is right. He does feel connected to this future child. If he wouldn’t feel at all connected to this child, that would be a different problem.

I told him, “Let’s think about something else for a minute. Take your mind off this a bit and think about the following. Why do you want children? To teach them the ways of Torah. You want your children to continue your path and to serve Hashem. Hashem told Avraham to kill his own son. Nobody has such a test. The test that you have is much smaller than the test that Avraham had. Avraham was told to kill his own child. A fetus is not yet born; he is not a child you have raised. You are being tested with a smaller version of Akeidas Yitzchok. If Hashem would tell you that you need to lose your future child, are you prepared to listen to Him? If “No”, then what are you living for? What do you want this child for if it’s not about doing the will of Hashem? You are just wanting this child for your own reasons, and it’s not so that you can raise a child to serve Hashem.”

The Practical Way To Gain Mesirus Nefesh: Nullifying Your Will

Let us look at the opportunities we have every day for mesirus nefesh, our power of shelilah.

What happens to a person when he wants something and he doesn’t get it? A person who never works on himself says, “Chaval” (or “Oy”), or something like that which voices his frustration. A more inner kind of person will believe with emunah that this is what Hashem wants.

But if a person is a bit more inner, he can react in an even more inner way. How can a person be more inner than having emunah? Is there anything more inner than having emunah? The answer is, there are levels and levels to emunah. The deeper way to use emunah is to use it for shelilah ­– to realize, that just like I need to do actions in order to serve Hashem, so are there times in which my avodah is not to do any action [bittul haratzon\nullifying the will].

There are people who want to open up a chessed organization or do something big, and they don’t succeed. What is the reaction? “This is due to the Satan.” Or, “It’s a tikkun.” Or, “There must be kelipos in this place.” All kinds of “spiritual” reactions. This might be true, but there is a much deeper way to react. Just as you understand that you need to do things for Hashem, so can you understand that there are times where you avodah is to realize that Hashem doesn’t want you to act.

We have the six days of the week, in which we do action, and we have Shabbos, in which we rest from action. We need both aspects in our life. We need action, holy action, which is the purpose of the six days of the week. Shabbos represents the power of non-action. When a person does something and he doesn’t succeed, he should connect himself to the point of “Shabbos” in the soul and let go of his need for action. [He should realize that if his ratzon didn’t happen, it must be that Hashem wanted him not to have this action fulfilled, whatever it was.]

The Ramchal wrote that the reason why there decrees throughout the generations which forbade Jews from learning Torah, although it made it hard for us to learn - which seemed to be nothing but a bother to us - was also for a purpose. It was to show us that sometimes, we serve Hashem by not being able to do something. The deep aspect of serving Hashem is when we have to refrain at times from action. As one of the Sages said, “Just like I receive reward for expounding, so will I receive reward from abstaining.”

In Conclusion

We have not completed the picture yet, but we have begun to explain the basis, of how we can reach the innermost point of our soul, the perspective of our Yechidah, which is entirely about non-action.

In slightly different terms, we have a power of chessed\ahavah\loving kindness, which represents action, and we have also have an opposite power, gevurah\yirah, restraint, which is our ability to refrain from action. We must reveal both of these powers of the soul. Ahavah is the partial way to get to the soul, thus, doing certain “actions” can help us get to the outer layers of the soul; but it will not get us to the innermost point of the soul, which is the realm of non-action. Gevurah\yirah, or shelilah [or ayin] is the path that helps us get to the complete revelation of the soul, the innermost point, the Yechidah, which is not a partial view on things, but the complete view on things – the view that is all-inclusive and unifies all details together.

In order to reach the inner perspective of the soul, we need to reveal more our power of shelilah, to get used to the concept of non-action; and from that, we have the key to reach the inner perspective in the soul.

May we merit from Hashem to continue to expand upon this, to learn how to use our point of shelilah, so that we can to get to our soul, namely, our actual essence.