Fixing Your Fire - 016 Anger | Changing A Terrible Temper

Fire-of-Fire-of-Fire: An Angry Temperament

With siyata d’shmaya, let us continue and conclude our discussion on the trait of anger, which stems from the element of fire in the soul. The final aspect of anger we will discuss is anger that stems from fire-of-fire-of-fire.

Clearly, a person whose anger stems from fire-of-fire-of-fire is a person whose entire demeanor is that of anger. It is a miniature version of Gehinnom (hell) on this world. The fire of Gehinnom is a continuous fire, and it is revealed on this world with those who are dominated by fire-of-fire-of-fire. Such a person is always brimming with anger, and he feels that he has no control over his anger when he feels it.

Nobody can know for sure how much bechirah (free will) that each person has, and even a person himself does not know how much percentage of free will he has to control himself and keep to his boundaries. But if a person is born with a nature of fire-of-fire-of-fire, he doesn’t feel like he has much of an alternative to anger. Understandably, this kind of person still has bechirah to lessen his angry nature, and he can learn techniques of how to calm himself. But he’ll never be able to change his nature completely, and the anger will always remain as it is. The only thing he can do is balance himself out.

There aren’t many people in the world who have this angry nature. It is obvious that nobody sitting here has the nature. Those who do have the nature are called “raschanim”, people who are regularly infuriated, of whom Chazal say, “Their lives are not lives.”[1]

In extreme situations, a person like this becomes emotionally ill, and in many cases he will need to take pills in order to calm down. He basically has no control over his anger. If he’s a person who is always trying to grow in his Avodas Hashem, that’s a different story. But if he is not the type of person who is always trying to improve in his Avodas Hashem, he might get to that point of terrible anxiety from all his anger, where he will have to relieve himself using any of the various natural methods that are available on this world.

The Symptoms: Always Red In The Face, and Full of Anxiety

Anger stemming from fire-of-fire-of-fire involves two factors.

One part of it is the anger which is expressed. Many people who have this nature can usually be seen with a red face, due to all of the frequent anger they go through. There are also people who can always be seen with a reddened face, at any given moment (The color “red” is connected with Esav, for Esav said, “Give me of this red stuff.”). This part of the anger is called resichah\fury, or charon af\wrath, or as the general term “kaas” – anger itself.

Another part of the anger is that it causes a person to be full of anxiety. The person will have almost no yishuv hadaas (settled mind). This part of the anger is even more damaging than the first part mentioned. It means that the constant anger in this person’s life will weaken his very brain.

The Gemara says that “Anyone who is angered, his chochmah (wisdom) is removed.” The angrier a person becomes, the more he loses his mind. (In the previous chapter, we explained that as long as a person can control the anger, by being aware of his anger, he can still retain some of his rational mind even as he’s angry; the awareness itself to the anger can help him maintain some control over himself). But if a person has a nature of fire-of-fire-of-fire, this is called “re’itah d’mochin” – “burning of the brain”. In other words, they burn up their own minds, through their constant and fiery anger. The mind will get destroyed from within itself.

These people have no yishuv hadaas at all in their day-to-day life. Even as they are going about their various daily activities, they act thoughtlessly and they cannot be mindful of what they are doing. If you observe a person like this as he’s performing various tasks, you can see that he is acting with almost no thought.

It can be compared to a child who runs towards his favorite food and he gorges on it, who can’t control himself; or when the child quickly runs away from something he doesn’t like. The person who has a lot of fire-of-fire-of-fire in himself cannot pull himself together to think properly. Most of his life will follow his natural orientation, which has a tendency towards explosions of anger, where he loses all control of his physical movements. This will become the story of his life.

People like this are not able to get married, due to their uncontrollable temper. We pity the person who does marry him, because it is unbearable to live with such a person. Some people, perhaps, can live with this kind of person, if they have a very loving nature, and if they can keep “judging him favorably”, trying to overlook his temper and to focus on his good points, perhaps seeing him as a generally good husband and father (like if he buys gifts for his family), and the like. But it is really unbearable to be around him, because his behavior cannot be tolerated.

He has no self-control when he gets angry, so it is very difficult to try to create a calm atmosphere around him. He has a general angry temperament even when he’s not particularly angry, so he tends to damage things around him, often breaking things. Surely this is the case when he’s actually angered – he will act very damaging to anything in his surroundings.

As mentioned, this is a condition that is not applicable to most people, and it surely doesn’t apply to anyone sitting here in this room. But we need to discuss it so that we can complete our understanding of anger.

The Path Towards Change: Living A Torah-Thinking Life

Chazal say, “Anyone who is angered, his wisdom leaves him” - anger makes a person lose his mind. This is not only true when a person is actually angry. It is also the case with a person who has a nature of fire-of-fire-of-fire, who has such an angry temperament that even when he’s not particularly angry, his fiery nature doesn’t allow his mind to think properly. As mentioned, this is referred to as re’itah d’mochin, “burning of the brain” – the mind’s ability to rationalize is totally burned up and destroyed, from all of the anger.

What is the kind of life that will counter such a terrible condition of anger? The only thing that can work is to live a “thinking” kind of life – a life of Torah learning - which counters the loss of mind caused by a hot temper.

Let’s understand the following, deeply. What does it mean to live a “life of Torah”? A person may learn Torah for most of his day, and he may have a few study sessions a day of learning, yet this does not yet mean that has become a more internal kind of person (adam pnimi). The way a superficial person behaves and the way an internal kind of person behaves, are worlds apart. We are not referring necessarily to the difference in character improvement of middos, which is a separate matter. We are referring to the difference between the very minds of a superficial person and an internal kind of person.

When one is genuinely connected to the “world of Torah”, his very psyche receives a certain yishuv hadaas (settled mind). Chazal say, “The words of the scholars, are heard with nachas” (pleasantness). When a person is really living a life of Torah, exerting himself in Torah, into its depth – his life turns into a life of thought.

If he just learns Torah superficially, and it’s all just like a lip service, then it will do almost nothing to his internal state. Even if he is learning Torah in-depth all the time, it will not change him inside – as we can see on our own. These are not rare occurrences. In addition to learning Torah in-depth, one must build within himself a “life of Torah” that he is connected to in his very soul.

One might learn a sugya of Gemara in-depth and write many chiddushim and even give shiurim, without having changed inside, on how he views life. He doesn’t come to the point of “The words of scholars are heard with nachas.” He remains the same person as he was before, and he has merely expanded his knowledge. He knows more Torah now, he has deepened his Torah knowledge, but the way he views life is the same as it was before, and it hasn’t become a more inner perspective.

Of course, learning Torah always refines and purifies a person somewhat. But it is not yet an internal kind of life. An internal “life of Torah” is when a person has become a more thinking kind of person, his thoughts patterns have become more organized, and he is truly connected to the “world of Torah” that he lives within himself, his life will look very different. It will be a “life of Torah” that is inner.

This in turn will cause a person to have a mind which naturally thinks about Torah, on a regular basis; as well as to think regularly about Hashem. His thoughts become more structured and organized, and his entire attitude towards life [and man] becomes deeper. As a result of this, even when he is thinking about the mundane, his thinking patterns will work exactly like his thinking patterns in his Torah learning. The Torah which he learns – the thinking into the words of Torah that he has immersed himself in – will become a very part of his life. It will affect his very thinking patterns and the inner makeup of his soul. He will see deeper perspectives on all areas of life, not just what he learns in Torah.

It is possible that a person exerts himself in Torah, but he has never yet attained any menuchah (serenity), and he has never yet changed inside, because he has not yet reached an inner connection to the Torah. But when one works his way through Torah learning, making sure to learn slowly, pleasantly, and with clarity, organizing his thoughts as he goes along – eventually with time, a deep connection to Torah will form.

If he truly dedicates himself to the world of Torah learning and he disconnects from the surroundings – and I will emphasize it again: there must be a disconnection from the surroundings – he earns for himself his own “mador l’fi kevodo”, “a room befitting to his honor.” He gains a “world” for himself, and within himself.

The “world” that he merits for himself will include the tractates of Gemara that he learns, the sugyos he has learned, the ways of thinking that he has developed, the in-depth learning and the chiddushim that are his, the sessions of learning he has kept to, the conclusions he has formed – and that is where he feels that his “life” is.

What about the rest of the world outside? If he has some need to go out into the world outside his own “world”, he goes to take care of what he needs and that’s it. He has his own “world” that he lives in, and since he lives there, he has a calm place in himself where he settles in.

There is also a need for exertion in his learning, and there is certainly “pressure” found within the world of Torah, but this doesn’t take away his inner peace. If he is really living in the world of Torah and he is connected to it inwardly, everything is clear to him. The rest of the world on the outside is outside of the Torah, and he is at the other side, found within the world of Torah. He can slowly reach it, slowly and progressively.

A Life Spent In Doubts vs. A Life Spent In Serenity

However, if someone is completely imbalanced in his soul and his problems are extreme, then even placing himself into the world of Torah won’t help, because he has no calmness within himself. He is always in a state of anxiety, so it doesn’t matter where he puts himself.

When he is learning b’iyun (in-depth), he thinks he should really be learning bekiyus (cursory reading of the Gemara where he covers more ground), and when learning bekiyus, he thinks he should be learning b’iyun. He is doubtful if he should be learning the amount of commentaries that he’s learning - maybe he should do the opposite? Who says he’s learning in the right way, maybe he needs an opposite approach or style? Maybe he didn’t get to the right conclusions? Why start the next sugya if perhaps I haven’t finished the current sugya enough….?

There are so many doubts that like this, the doubts are endless, and all of these doubts can take up a person’s entire life, and he might end his life like that, having sat his entire life in the beis midrash in the world of Torah - ending his life full of unresolved doubts.

In contrast, there is an entirely different attitude one can have, towards a life of learning Torah. He first thinks, “What does Hashem want from me?” and after he concludes what Hashem wants from him, he acts from there. Understandably, he might still need to consult with someone who is wiser than him, and he should also daven to Hashem for help. But after he has decided that this is what Hashem wants from him (to sit and learn Torah his whole life), all of the doubts that may arise in Torah learning are pushed aside. Even if doubts come up, he knows how to let them all fall into a ‘big garbage’ can that can hold all of them.

His soul inside has come to a decision that he belongs in a life of Torah learning and that is where he will live. He gets up in the morning with a certain serenity, a certain yishuv hadaas, knowing that his duty on this world is to learn Torah and that this is what Hashem wants from him (after working hard to understand this, clarifying this, and davening to Hashem for help). He knows that this is what he has, and there is nothing else. That enables him to go about life in a very organized manner.

A person cannot calm his soul completely. But as long a person chooses for himself the life of Torah learning, and he has clarified to himself that this is what Hashem wants from him and that this is what he is doing with his life, he becomes serene. Of course, a person should always suspect that perhaps he’s not trying hard enough. But this constant self-inspection should not be overdone to the point that it is causing a person to lose his happiness in living a life of Torah learning. One must be someiach b’chelko (happy with his lot)[2] that every day of his life he is able to clarify more and more this point.

This is a description of a very inner kind of life, a very deep way of living, and a very serene kind of life. It can only be reached if a person separates himself from the outside world and he immerses himself deep into the world of Torah.

The percentage of people who have chosen to separate themselves from the outside world and to be fully immersed in the world of Torah, however, are not always serene. They may be plagued with all kinds of doubts, (which stem from the force of “Amalek”). Doubts destroy a person from within, as long as a person continues to be in doubt. A person cannot be calm when he is always plagued by doubts.

This is more commonly the case with teenagers, but many people continue to be like this even when they are adults. A person can spend years learning Torah in the beis midrash, in the world of Torah, yet he is anxious inside, and he isn’t calmed from the life he lives; for example, a person might be full of jealousy at others who have achieved more than him. There are all kinds of painful doubts that can take away a person’s calmness, and the examples are endless, but the common denominator between all of these situations is that they can sit and learn Torah all day yet they aren’t calm inside.

There is a different option a person can choose. He can clarify to himself, “What does Hashem really want from me?” This is after making effort and davening to Hashem for help. It might take him half a year, or a year, and then he will reach the conclusion of what he must do. This is not the last time he will make that conclusion; he may have to keep returning to that conclusion several times, and to once again put in effort and pray to Hashem for success. It is a decision to live a clear and inner kind of life, separated from the rest of the outside world, with inner yishuv hadaas. When one figures out that this is the kind of life he wants to live, he will keep finding his rightful place.

This doesn’t invalidate ahavas Yisrael, helping out others, being there for his family, and all other interpersonal relationships. But as a general course of action, he lives a life of his own, separate from the rest of the world. He can gain more and more yishuv hadaas as he continues.

Some people think that it is a very high level to always have yishuv hadaas, and that only rare individuals merit it. Understandably, there are those who have more yishuv hadaas, and some have less. But the common denominator between all people is that everyone can choose to live a calmer kind of life, in contrast to the nature of fire-of-fire-of-fire, which is a life of total internal chaos and terrible anxiety.

Changing A Hot Temper: Immersion in In-Depth Torah Learning

Therefore, if someone has a nature of fire-of-fire-of-fire, the truest and deepest advice that exists for him is to place himself fully in the world of Torah learning, where his thoughts will be calmed, as he immerses himself more and more in in-depth Torah learning.

Besides for this, there is no real advice that works for him. He might be able to use some techniques to help himself (which we have explained in several of the previous chapters[3]), but it will only work minimally for him. Understandably, he will still have a hard time even when he’s in the beis midrash, because even while learning Torah his anger can still explode. But in the end of the day, there is no calmer place where he can put himself in.

Any other options besides for this are superficial. In some places, a person can find someone who is very loving to all people, who lends a listening ear to everyone, who will be able to listen to all of his venting when he’s fuming. But he would have to sit with this person for as much time as he needs to be listened to when he’s venting, and a mere conversation won’t suffice for him. It is very hard to find such a loving, patient person who is willing to let anyone come to his house, for even once a week, where they can vent all of their anger to him; almost no one can tolerate someone with a terrible temper, on a regular basis. Only rare individuals are capable of such patience.

Therefore, the only real solution that exists, for someone who has a constant and fiery temper, is to immerse himself deeply in the world of Torah learning. He must become very, very immersed in Torah. Even if a person doesn’t have the bad temper of fire-of-fire-of-fire, he would still have to come on to this way of life at some point, because this is the true way that life is supposed to look like!

One needs to reach a point where he is getting up in the morning with a sense of serenity, feeling happy with what he does [the fact that he spends his day learning Torah]. If he thinks that his life is not functioning properly, then he needs to “do teshuvah” and see how his life can become functional. If he realizes that he is doing things that are improper, he should sit with himself and decide to change. If he feels like he doesn’t have the strength [to be in the world of Torah learning], if he is correct, then it is something which Hashem doesn’t want him to do, because Hashem doesn’t demand something from a person that he doesn’t have the energy for.

A person cannot live all of his life in a constant contradiction, knowing that “Hashem wants me to do certain things [to learn Torah] but I really don’t have the strength to do that, so I’m not b’seder (functional).” If he feels like his life is not b’seder, then he needs to give seder (organization) to his life to that part of his life that needs to be straightened out; as for the past, he can do teshuvah over it. And if he feels like that he doesn’t have the strength for this, he should cry to Hashem for help.

But in any case, the inner way to live life is that a person gets up in the morning, and he clarifies to himself what Hashem really wants from him, what his real energies are, and what his limitations are. Hashem doesn’t want you to do something if it’s beyond your capability; that is impossible. So one should ask himself each day: “What does Hashem really want from me, on the level of capability that I am at right now?”

When one reaches the conclusion, it should cause him to feel calm inside. When a person realizes that his place is in Torah learning, and he realizes that his own cheilek (portion) in Torah is all that he can reach on this world, according to his capabilities – that is exactly what Hashem wants from him, and that is the “someiach b’chelko” that he has on this world. One needs to begin and end his day with this attitude.

Of course, there is no such thing as a person who reaches shleimus (self-completion) in his life. The soul in us is always demanding more growth.[4] But the attitude that one must have towards life is, “We have done our part – now You do Your part.” There is a deep place in our soul which can feel, almost definitely, that one has truly done all (or most) that he can. As for whatever you didn’t accomplish, you can regret it and do teshuvah about it from the depths of the heart, and decide to make tomorrow a better day.

In Summary

Let us review this, for emphasis: If you demand from yourself anything that is beyond your capabilities, it is not possible to live this way.

Secondly, even when something is in your capabilities, if you are constantly having doubts about something, this is also detrimental.

You cannot be serene if you are constantly thinking that you should really be doing something else[5]: “Why am I learning Torah right now? Maybe I should be doing chessed right now”, or “Why am I doing chessed right now? Maybe I should be davening right now.” You might read a sefer that stresses a certain area you need to work on, and then you see a different sefer that tells you the complete opposite, and then you get tossed around between many different directions. A person cannot live like this!

The inner way to live life, as we described here, is a true kind of life which a person can live, of “And he saw that serenity was good”, where it is realized the meaning of “The words of scholars are heard with nachas (pleasantness).” The inner essence of life is calm and serene.

When this is the attitude that a person has towards life, this is greatly helpful when trying to calm a hot temperament. Even when a person is prone to anger (and indeed, all of us have times of anger), he can build for himself a space in his life that totally counters the anger: a kind of life which is calm and serene. Of course, there are things that come up in our life which can take us away from this serenity, and having a hot temper certainly removes a person from his serenity. But we can counter all of the stress and anger in our life by developing a serene kind of life, in the depths of the soul.

If one wants to know if he is living an inner kind of life or not, he can see after a full season if he has become more disconnected from the surroundings (at the same time, he must make sure that he also has the “other side of the coin”: ahavas Yisrael[6]), and if he has chosen for himself this “world” to live in within himself. His own “world” that he has acquired for himself gives him his own yishuv hadaas, his own clarity, his own nachas (pleasantness\serenity). He also needs exertion in Torah, but it should be an exertion that is accompanied with nachas.

This kind of life is the total antithesis to anger – the character trait of a person which is stormy and un-calm. Living in this way causes a person to enter a different world entirely. It is the root of how a person can enter into his deeper essence.

Revealing The Holy “Fire” of the Soul

Let us now conclude. Until now, we have spoken about the evil use of fire-of-fire-of-fire (a hot temperament). Now we will speak about the holy “fire” in the soul.

The fire on the Altar burned constantly and it was not allowed to be extinguished. This is the symbol of the pure fire that is in one’s soul. The “heart” in us is referred to as the place of warmth and fire that is found within us. One needs to reveal this “holy fire”.

As long as a person is dominated by anger, and he does not feel serene about his life, his inner and holy “fire” will not be able to be revealed in its purity, in its genuine form. Instead, he will remain with a mixture of good and evil that is left unsorted. Sometimes the good in him will prevail, and sometimes the evil will prevail. But he won’t be able to reveal his holy fire in its proper form. Therefore, even if he has yearnings for holiness – which come from the “fire” in the soul – he will be prone to explosions of “fire”, which will be unstable. That will mean that he won’t be able to have genuine spiritual growth, because his inner structure isn’t built properly.

But when one lives the inner kind of life (as described before), in which he immerses himself in learning Torah in-depth, along with a sense of serenity that accompanies this – this will weaken his external fire, and his inner fire will be revealed in its pure form: the depths of the neshamah. This pure fire, the depth of the neshamah, upon being revealed, is a great yearning for truth, and it comes from the true exaltedness that is deep in a Jew’s soul, which roars out from deep within. It yearns for closeness with Hashem, and for his holy Torah, of which it is said, “Are My words not like fire, so says Hashem”.

This is the pure “fire” in the soul which truly burns from the depth of the neshamah, which constantly elevates a person above the place where he is in. When this fire is revealed, a person will have true yearnings, which can lift him higher and higher, motivating him to do his inner avodah.

Living Within: Finding Your Inner Serenity and Avoiding Anger At Yourself

As we explained, as long as a person is dominated by anger (external fire), even his yearnings in Avodas Hashem are a confusing mixture of good and evil. We can see that in most people, even when they have holy yearnings for Avodas Hashem, they remain confused. They jump around between one area of growth and another area of growth, like a fire that hasn’t been stabilized. This is not the pure “fire” of the soul.

To explain the inner workings of this, anger contradicts all of the movements of the soul and doesn’t allow a person to have stable spiritual movement and growth. Besides for the contradictions that are anyways found in one’s behavior (which are only on an external level), there is a great contradiction to one’s soul movements which is caused by anger. Anger causes a person to move outward, contradicting the movements of the soul which are moving inward.

As we explained, finding an inner world of serenity in life is the antithesis to anger, and when a person reaches it, he is acting from within himself, and not from outside of himself. Living “from within” means that a person feels complete in himself and he is serene about himself. If he makes mistakes, he does genuine teshuvah over them.

There is no such a life in which a person doesn’t make mistakes. There are two ways of how a person reacts to mistakes. One reaction to a mistake is to fall further and become angry, and this is the detrimental way to react. The positive way to react to a mistake is to immediately feel merirus d’kedushah (“holy bitterness”), which motivates a person to get back on his feet and seek holiness.

(The Gemara says that if one sees a Torah scholar commit a sin at night, he should not think negatively about him, because he should assume that the Torah scholar will do teshuvah the next day. The depth of this is because a true Torah scholar knows that even after stumbling to a sin, he must not get angry with himself that he has fallen to a sin. Instead, he does teshuvah over what has happened.)

Living in this way enables a person to live “with” himself and “within” himself, with his pnimiyus (inwardness), and he is unaffected by what takes place in his surroundings; and if he does become negatively affected by the surroundings, he doesn’t become angry with himself, and instead he does teshuvah over his mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and a person always has failures. It is written, “A righteous person falls seven times, and rises”, but a person should not react to the fall by getting angry at himself and to have clashes within himself. Instead, he should take proper action and rectify any wrongs committed, as is needed.

Herein is the key to living a calmer, more serene life. The calmer that a person becomes, the less he will clash with others in his surroundings, because he has become more inward, and he is less drawn outwards.

This is the meaning of “Therefore, man was created individual.” Hashem created the side of holiness and the side of evil. On one side, there is Hashem, and on the other side, there are “other gods”, which are represented by all of the creations, which are all “other” to Hashem, for they distress Him with their sins. But the more that a person finds his own inner place (his own “mador l’fi kevodo, “a room befitting his honor”) and he becomes more in touch with his inner depths, his trait of anger will be weakened at its root. He has learned how to live more within, and therefore he is much less bothered from people who are on the outside.

The External and Inner Work Of Conquering Anger

Thus, the depth of rectifying the trait of anger, after making use of the various techniques we have explained until now in dealing with anger, lies in living within the inner depths of the soul.

This does not invalidate the other methods mentioned in conquering anger, and they are certainly true; they are mentioned in the words of Chazal. But the essence of rectifying anger lies in living within, which enables one to live a life of serenity. It is the inner world which one lives in within himself. It helps a person easily avoid anger because he has learned how to separate himself from external stimuli, for he has learned how to live more within, in his own inner depths.

Understandably, it is not enough just to become a more internal kind of person without working on the external layers [our middos themselves], because if a person doesn’t try to refine his external layers, he will not be able to control his temper from bursting outward. Our point is that in order to conquer anger, a person should not remain within the outside stimuli and try to fight all of the anger from there.

The techniques of dealing with anger that were mentioned in the previous chapters are therefore not to be invalidated; rather, it is that along with using those techniques, one needs to also conquer anger from deep inside himself: to remain solidly anchored in his own inner world.

In Conclusion

The inner depths of one’s soul is where one finds his yishuv hadaas, serenity, and calmness, so it is above any possibility of anger.

The Gemara says that Hashem’s anger lasts for a moment.[7] This “anger”, so to speak, only exists in His “outer” chambers. In Hashem’s “inner” chambers[8], it is not possible for Hashem to have any “anger”, for this is where Hashem conducts Himself with the title of “Hashem alone (l’vado)”. In this place of “Hashem alone”, there is no possibility of anger. So too, there is a place in our soul which can be above all anger, where it is separated from all that takes place on the outside, and it is just “alone” with Hashem.

The complete rectification of anger, in conjunction with the methods of conquering anger that were mentioned in the previous chapters, is to reach the very depth of the soul, the place where the soul lives “alone”, a place that is serene – the place where it is “one” with Hashem.