Hisboddedus Practice - 020 Disconnecting From Materialism

Hisbodedus In The 21^st Century

We have explained previously, with the help of Hashem, the depth of hisbodedus: to bond with the Creator. That is one side of the coin - the other side of the coin, which we will now explain, is to learn how to separate from the materialism of This World.

As long as a person is feeling very connected with This World, it’s not possible to have a true bond with Hashem. Chazal compare This World and the Next World to fire and water, which cannot co-exist[1]; either you have one or the other, but you can’t have both. So too, it’s not possible to bond with Hashem if one is very attached to this world; the two are a total contradiction to each other. Thus, in order to have true hisbodedus, one must lessen his connection to materialism.

Avraham Avinu said, “I am a stranger and a settler to the land.” He said he is a settler, but he also said he is a stranger. He knew that he inhabited the physical world, but he also placed himself above it and apart from it.

Chazal say that one should be daato m’ureves im ha’beriyos, to get along with people; so we need to be involved with this world to some extent. But we must feel that our stay on this world is only temporary, as if we are a “stranger” here to this “land” – to separate ourselves from being overly attached to This World. We are here, we must be connected with people here, but we also need to be able to disconnect from it.

We have our family; we have a spouse and children; we have friends. We have a home, we have a car, the things we own, our clothing, our health, etc. If we are too connected to it all, we are too connected to the physical dimension.

Of course, Hashem does not want us to totally disconnect from the world. He does not want us to leave our spouse or family. If so, what does Hashem want from us? Especially in our generation, where there is so much more physicality that we need to disconnect from – how do we disconnect from it in a healthy way that will not damage us?

The Materialistic Lifestyle We Live With

The Avos (our forefathers) were all shepherds who spend their time in the quiet, tending to the sheep and away from all the noise of people. They were thus able to concentrate better and feel solitude with the Creator. Sefer HaMaspik L’Ovdei Hashem (written by Rabbi Avraham ben HaRambam) writes that because our forefathers spent their lives this way, amidst silence, that was how they were able to become so close to Hashem. The forefathers were very close to feeling like a ‘stranger’ to this earth, and that was how they bonded with Hashem.

But we, who live in in the year 5774, are very, very far from the olden days, and we are certainly very far from the lifestyle of old. So in the time we live in today, how do we have any way of returning to it?

We find that the Avos were partially connected with people, and they were partially connected with isolation. They had little materialism on this world, so it was easy for them to be spiritual.

The world we live in today, though, is very different. The world today, since we are born, is totally materialistic. Any child born into today’s generation is born into a “mabul”, a flood, of materialism. He is born into a flood of abundant clothing, interesting games, all kinds of sweets and tasty nosh, and lots of books to read. It’s all a giant flood that connects him immensely to This World. As a child grows up, he\she makes more friends who are also materialistic like them, and then they become even more engrossed in materialistic pursuits.

A child today who becomes bar mitzvah or bas mitzvah is becoming an adult, obligated in the mitzvos, and a lavish affair is made for him\her that includes lots of food, music, and other things, which have nothing to do with mitzvos, and are instead a contradiction to the mitzvos that ey are now taking on!

A boy or girl today entering the teenage years then absorbs tons of information about all kinds of topics, through reading, hearing, and seeing all of it. The connection to This World grows stronger with this. They become deeply connected with This World – totally and absolutely connected with physicality.

This way of life is considered the “average” kind of life that kids are experiencing today. With such a way of living, we attempt to make them spiritual, teaching them about Torah, mitzvos, and the will of Hashem. But when they grow up so materialistic, will the concept of hisbodedus with Hashem be a concept that talks to them? The entire way of life that we see today, in the year 5774 (or 2016) is totally opposed to a life of ruchniyus (spirituality). It is totally far from a life of hisbodedus with Hashem.

Why Many People Are Not Succeeding In Hisbodedus

Many people today are trying to hisbodedus, but they are spending more time trying to do hisbodedus than actually seeing success in it. There are many reasons why people aren’t succeeding in hisbodedus. But one of the reasons, which is the main reason, is because the person is still living a very materialistic life and he doesn’t realize that he has to change. He is remaining with the way of life he always lived with since he was a kid, and he is trying to put hisbodedus into it, and of course, it doesn’t work. People are not understanding that they are living a contradiction. Hisbodedus simply cannot go together with a materialistic life.

Let’s understand deeply that success in hisbodedus is not achieved through merely spending time on any one path of hisbodedus, whether it’s a path we described until now or whether it’s any of the other paths that there are in hisbodedus. It only happens when a person uses his power of free will to choose a new lifestyle, in which he disconnects from materialism.  

Caution: Avoid Extreme Changes

Now we will try to make this more practical, now that we have seen how materialistic life is a contradiction to hisbodedus. How, indeed, does Hashem want us to act? What is the right balance?

The first reaction that people tend to have when they hear about “disconnecting from This World” is that they get nervous. “You mean I have to change my whole life around?! Give me a break! I have to sell my nice house, my fancy clothes, and my CD collection, and everything I own?! Must I live very frugally? And then I’m really living a lifestyle of hisbodedus?” This is what comes to mind when people hear about the idea of disconnecting from This World.

There are actually people who are capable of living that way. But it only works for certain rare individuals who can do so, because they have a strong nature. It does not work for the general whole of Klal Yisrael, and it doesn’t work either for those who really want to come close to Hashem. A person does not have the capability to disconnect from everything on This World. Most people will not handle it if they try. It will only cause marital discord and problems with the children as well.

So our only choice we are left with is to somehow find a way that’s within our own lifestyle we are living on this world, which can incorporate some degree of disconnection from it.

Separating from materialism of This World has two parts to it: an external part and an internal part.

Learning To Let Go

The external part is for a person to be able to give up one thing of This World. We cannot detach from everything on This World, but what we can do is to try letting go of something and to keep this up for a long time.

What should you give up? That will depend on each person’s situation. Each person can find something materialistic that is dear to him – and be prepared to give it up. Then, go ahead and give it up. Let go of it.

Of course, it should be something which will not cause any marital discord or any problems with your children when you give it up. It should be done calmly and from a sincere will to elevate your lifestyle. All of us can do it. We can all give up just one thing. We can’t give up everything, but we can give up one thing. That is something we can all do.

This needs to be thought about sensibly. Don’t overdo it, or else it will backfire. And daven to Hashem for help about it: that it should be something that you are capable of doing, and that it shouldn’t bother anyone in your surroundings. Then, slowly train yourself to detach from something on This World that is dear to you.

Realizing That This World Is Temporary

That was the external part of the job. Now we will explain the internal process of how we detach from materialism. It is a deep acceptance in which one attains a new perspective towards This World.

We should realize that our stay on This World is only temporary. All of us will one day leave it. The question is not if we can disconnect from it or not; the only question is when it will happen.

The average lifespan of man is for 70 years, and those who are stronger get to live for 80 years. Ever since the sin of Adam, death is the curse placed upon mankind. We do not live forever. Except for Eliyahu and Chanoch, no man has ever avoided death (And those tzaddikim, too, left This World, just not in the form of death!). So we will all take leave of This World one day.

We can think about this, and this will help us realize that our stay on This World is only temporary, and then we can feel detached from it.

There are people who think about this and they get morbid and depressed, but that is because they aren’t trying to come closer to Hashem, and they are still very attached to This World. For such people, thinking of death is, of course, very scary. But if one seeks to become close to Hashem, thinking about death is a thought that escorts us throughout life. It’s a deep awareness about life that we all need to have. The thought of death is a very powerful tool we can use to help ourselves detach from the materialism of This World.

In today’s times especially, people are very afraid of thinking about the day of death, which is really a very simple fact of life. People don’t think about it and don’t talk about it, and any thoughts about it are considered to be depressing, and that it’s “best recommended” to avoid any talk about death, for the sake of emotional health and happiness. But our Chazal tell us to think about death, and to think about it all the time. The Orchos Chaim L’Rosh wrote, “Place the day of death in front of your eyes.”[2]

A Note of Caution

We will soon explain how one can come to accept this. But if someone feels at this point that the thought of disconnecting from This World is a scary or sad kind of thought, the following words are not for them. They will only be able to work on the ideas mentioned until now, not the ideas we are about to say. Perhaps reviewing the previous chapters will be helpful to the reader and enable the reader to develop the inner strength of being able to disconnect from materialism. So if the reader at this point feels that this avodah we are describing is scary in any way, it should not be attempted any of the following exercises, and it will only be detrimental to try it.

Detaching: Experiment #1

Let us now continue, with Heavenly assistance.

We all have a home, money, CDs, clothing, jewelry, and all other worldly possessions. Let’s think: “Is it forever? Is my house forever? Is my furniture forever? The room I am sitting in – will I always be here for as long as I want?” Even if one would never move from his house, eventually, we will all “move” from our “house” – when we die. So our entire stay here on This World is temporary. It is not forever.

Try the following: go through all of the things in your life and think into how temporary it is. Try it also with your clothing, your car, your jewelry, etc. First recognize that you feel connected to it. Then, tell yourself that it’s only a temporary connection, and that you are never forever connected to it.

You can go through all of your items in this way and tell yourself that it is not forever with you. This will slowly help you accept that This World is temporary and help you slowly detach from it more and more, weakening your connection with materialism.

Detaching: Experiment #2

Furthermore, if you go to a hotel for a few days, try the following. Look around the hotel room. You see nice furniture, a nice bed, a nice table, and nice flowers. Do you feel connected to it? If “yes”, now ask yourself: Do you feel permanently connected to it? No. Because you know that you’re only in a hotel, which you are staying in for a day or two, and then you know that you leave it. So, too, look at your home you live in right now, and realize that everything in it is temporary, comparing it to a hotel you’re temporarily staying in.

Keep doing this thinking exercise and you will slowly be able to lessen the connection you feel to all your things. You will be able to realize that your home is not really your home, but more like a ‘hotel’ that you’re only staying in temporarily. Think about this, and verbalize it to yourself too.

Detaching: Experiment #3

Another exercise to think about is the following.

We all know people who are not here anymore on This World. They had a home, furniture, clothing, jewelry, cars, and other things. Now they no longer have anything; they were connected to these things while they lived, and now they are not. We can learn from this that we, too, will one day leave all the things we own. Thinking about this will weaken our connection to materialism.

Detaching: Experiment #4

Additionally, you can think about the following: We all know people who had their houses foreclosed by the bank because they couldn’t pay their bills. We can see from this clearly that all that we have is temporary. It will happen to all of us at some point, and the only question is, when. Think about it.

Detaching: Experiment #5

Another thing to think about: We all know people who had a good job, a job in which they felt successful, respected and well-paid – and in one day, suddenly, they lost their job, for whatever reason. They were very connected with their job that they liked, and then they lost it all overnight. So too, all of us will one day lose our job – when we eventually take leave of This World.

In Conclusion

So even if we feel connected to This World, we can weaken our connection to it when we think about these things, about how temporary everything is on This World. Through that, we leave our connection to materialism and then connect with spirituality, and then we can have true hisbodedus with Hashem.

We must emphasize that the mentality here can only help those who accept these facts happily, as opposed to someone who is afraid or sad when he begins to think about these things. A person who gets sad when he thinks about these things should not attempt these exercises.

Upon internalizing this new perspective on life, we can realize that although we live on This World and feel connected to it, we can use it to perform mitzvos and serve Hashem better, rather than to use it just for physical purposes.

In this way, we achieve the balance between getting along with people and with being detached from this world; that we can use this world for holy purposes, for mitzvos and for doing kindness - yet still feel like a “stranger” to this world.

***

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS WITH THE RAV

Q1: In Sefer Koheles it says that having yiras shomayim (fear of Heaven), and doing mitzvos is like living in the Next World already on This World, if so, why should we need to disconnect from This World, when we can just live a Next-World kind of existence already on This World (via having yiras shomayim and doing mitzvos)?

A: Yes, Sefer Koheles was written by Shlomo HaMelech to show us how to detach from This World. But we can only experience what Koheles says when we fulfill the entire sefer! We cannot experience a Next World kind of existence if we have never finished the entire Sefer Koheles yet and if we are not yet doing every last thing it says there.

Q2: Being that there is an argument in the Rishonim about what the Next World will be, if it will be spiritual or if it will be a soul within a purified body, we see that The Next World can already be on this world, when we live a spiritual life, if so why can’t we just live a spiritual life within this physical world and that will be enough of a disconnection from materialism?

A: As you mentioned, there is an argument of what the future will look like. Everyone agrees that there will be Moshiach, then resurrection of the dead (in which the soul will return to the body on This World). What will happen after that? This is a dispute. The Rambam says that after resurrection we will die again and then we will have a soul with no body. The Ramban says – and most held like him – is that after resurrection we will remain with our bodies, but our body will be purified. So according to the Rambam, the purpose of Creation is to exist only with our soul, while the Ramban is of the opinion that the purpose is to have a purified body.

Q3: The Chofetz Chaim writes in Ahavas Chessed that doing chessed is what sanctifies us on This World. If so, why can’t that be enough to disconnect us from materialism? Why doesn’t doing chessed accomplish this too?

A: The goal is to use the physical world for the spiritual, but before we do that, we need to already develop the ability to disconnect from This World, and then we are able to sanctify physicality, such as through doing chessed.If a person doesn’t disconnect from materialism, he will end up becoming attached to This World even as he’s doing mitzvos. For example, there is a mitzvah of oneg Shabbos, but if a person is too attached to This World, he will end up becoming a glutton through oneg Shabbos. Therefore, we need to already develop beforehand the idea of disconnecting from materialism, so that we won’t become too attached to This World when we have to be involved in it for the sake of mitzvos.

Q4: Giving up something from This World – must it be done permanently or temporarily?

A: Do what you are capable of doing. It is better if you give it up permanently, but it is also effective is you give it up temporarily. Know what level you are capable of.

Q5: Are mentally ill\delusional people considered to be more spiritual, since they are disconnected to a large extent from This World?

A: If they already became connected to This World before they became insane. If they already were, then yes. If not, then they are not connected to anything – not to physicality and not to spirituality. They are nowhere – not here, not there; like “Kaf HaKela.”

Q6: People who become sick and are deathly ill – are those people more spiritual and disconnected from this physical world?

A: Sometimes you can see how connected deathly ill people are to the Next World. There are all kinds of ways to communicate with deathly ill people when they are unconscious and you can see what’s going on inside them. If the illness is making them totally unconscious, it’s very possible that they are very much connected with the spiritual, being that they are disconnected from physicality.

Q7: The shiur here is similar to the words of the Mesillas Yesharim, that a person first needs perishus (abstinence) from this world, and then after one does that, he can know how to sanctify This World and use it correctly.

A: Correct- exactly.

Q8: People who are mentally ill or partially delusional – are they more spiritual?

A: I don’t know if you are describing an actual illness or a bad habit of imagining. I would have to know more details to be able to answer this question. I also don’t understand what it has to do with being spiritual.

Q9: If a person feels very connected to the materialism This World, he must change his perspective towards it, or he must change his actions that he’s currently doing?

A: Most people can’t handle action and they can handle a change of perspective. Only a few individuals are capable of taking major actions in order to implement these changes, just as we find that there are Baalei teshuvah who changed around their whole lives. Only a few are strong enough to make such changes. Most of us can only handle a change of perspective towards This World without drastically separating from it, and we can give up one small thing from This World that’s dear to us, but not more than that.

Q10: Is this just an internal change of mindset, or is it supposed to manifest in something tangible in our life?

A: Yes, it should be a change that affects something actually going on in your life.