Fixing Your Wind - 012 Idle Chatter Part 4: Excitable Talk

Fire-of-Wind-of-Wind: Talking With Excitement

We have discussed so far the kinds of idle speech that stem from earth, water, and wind within wind-of-wind (dry conversations, pleasurable gossip, and unrestrained talking). Now we are up to discussing the fire aspect within wind-of-wind, which is when one talks excitedly about gossip-related matters - similar to the nature of fire, which sparks and thus ‘excites’.

This power is used for holiness when one speaks excitedly about words of Torah, and it is used for evil when one speaks excitedly for the purpose of lashon hora (evil gossip).

Man has a nature to talk being that the nature of man is to be a ruach memalelah (talking spirit). The soul has a nature to turn outward. When one talks, he turns outward to others, as it is written, “My soul leaves when I speak with him.”

Why Does Speaking Make Us Feel Drained?

We find two kinds of excited talking:

1) One kind of speaking we find is that as a person speaks, his chiyus (feeling of vitality) is released outward; as a result, he can feel that he has lost some of his vitality after he is done talking.

2) Another kind of speech we find is that a person’s chiyus can actually increase as he speaks. This kind of speech is by speaking words of Torah, “It is life for those who speak out it in their mouths.” When one’s speech is increasing his chiyus, it is a whole different kind speech than the usual.

Usually, a person feels drained after he speaks - and this is really because most speech is not said with vitality. But sometimes, a person does speak with vitality, and he gains even more vitality from his speaking.

If someone speaks without any self-awareness to what he is saying, that means he is not putting any of his heart and soul into his talking, and such a person will usually lose some of his vitality as he talks. He will feel somewhat tired or drained after he’s done talking. But if one puts his heart into his talking, he is self-aware to the words exiting his mouth, and his vitality will increase when he talks. This is because when we put our heart into something, the heart in us provides life-giving energy, as is written, “Guard your heart, for from it, comes life.”

The power to speak with vitality and excitement can be used for holiness when one speaks words of Torah with excitement, and it is used for evil when one speaks lashon hora - whereupon the speech emerging from his being becomes a death-like kind of vitality.

Ideal Speech: Speaking From Your Mind and Heart

As mentioned earlier[1], true speech is when one speaks from both his mind and heart together, as he’s talking.

‘Speaking from the heart’, however, doesn’t mean to be merely become emotional and excited as one is talking. Often, we can notice that after a person is done talking and he was very excited as he spoke, as soon as he’s done speaking he loses his excitement and looks like he needs to rest. This is because he didn’t realize that while he was speaking, he was really emptying himself out of vitality. This is what happens when a person only knows of superficial speech.

By contrast, inner speech is as Chazal say, “Words that come from the heart, enter the heart”. When you truly speak from your heart, it gives vitality to another. It is to speak from your own vitality, and that vitality can then enter another, infusing the other with life.

It is written, “And Haman said in his heart” – we learn from this about the internal speech process: when a person speaks, he is first consulting with his heart and he speaks with himself, before he speaks those words to another.  It is also written, “I spoke with my heart.” So a person first talks to himself, within his own self, before the words emerge from him when he talks to another. (Now, obviously, if a person only speaks with himself and he doesn’t let those words emerge outward, this will be problematic).

Speech really begins with talking to oneself! To illustrate, when one leads the public he must speak to them, but when he speaks to them, he really has to speak with his own self - if he ever wishes to influence them for the good. If he speaks to himself the words he is trying to convey, he affects his own self, and then his words will prove effective on others and can be of influence. It is said that if “one does know how to lead himself, he will not able to lead others.”

Three Kind of Speakers

This concept, when applied to speech, causes an incredible overhaul to one’s entire ability of speech.

1) When a person is at a superficial level, he will speak to others the words that others want to hear; words that their heart will accept readily.

2) A deeper and more truthful person will speak to others words that will be understandable and clear, so that the listeners will be able to walk away with something practical from the speech.

3) But an even more truthful person, when he speaks to others, is really speaking to himself as he speaks to them – and his words are the most effective on the listeners.

True Speech: From the Self, To the Self

Speech, at its deep root, begins with oneself. “Words that come from the heart, enter the heart” because such words are being first spoken with oneself first - with one’s own heart - and then they can enter another’s heart. But if one did not first speak with his own heart – if he didn’t speak those words to himself yet - then those words will not either enter another person.

When one learns how to speak from himself and to himself first, his words become alive and infused with vitality. Although he might feel physically that some energy leaves him as he speaks, in return, a larger amount of vitality is being infused in him as he speaks. A person who speaks in this way can actually feel, and experience, the words that he is saying. (Of course, that doesn’t mean he is reaching the perfect level of what he is describing).

Most people only begin to experience what they are saying as they continue the conversation, gaining clarity in what they are saying as they continue to talk. A person is talking excitedly, and then he notices that he is in middle of talking lashon hora. He begins to realize and become aware of his words as the conversation develops, and then he realizes that he has spoken unnecessary words,

Here, we want to develop a deeper and truer kind of awareness to our speech. Chazal say “daas ganuz b’pumei”, that “daas (understanding) is hidden in mouth”, which means that ideal speech comes from a mouth that talks sensibly. But the ideal kind of speech we want to develop takes this even further: by first speaking to yourself, you actually learn how to experience what you are saying – as it is written, “My soul leaves when I spoke with him”.

This does not just mean that one merely thinks before he speaks and therefore he speaks clearly. It is more than that: as while he is in the midst of talking, he experiences what he is saying, so he is very self-aware of what he is saying as a result; he’ll be able to catch himself before he makes a mistake in what he’s saying. Even more, the words that leave his mouth are being experienced by him, so he will retain a mark of the experience long after the words have left his mouth.

Three Steps To Ideal Speech

So far, we have said that the ideal kind of speaking is when:

1) You think about you will say, before you speak.

2) Thinking as you are speaking, so that you are experiencing what you are saying.

3) Even after you spoke, you are still experiencing the words that you said, at least a little bit.

This is how a person can learn how to speak words that both contain vitality and are vitality-giving. Not only will he experience what he says as he says them, but he retains those experiences. As it is written, “For they [the words of Torah] are life to those who express it with their mouths.”

Mussar & Singing

For this reason, if a person wants to inspire himself and give himself enthusiasm, Reb Yisrael Salanter said that besides for learning the words of mussar (self-discipline)[2], he should say the words with “flaming lips” – he should say the words passionately, singing them to himself with a tune that will stir him. This uses the element of “fire” in your power of speech – the ability to speak with passion or excitement. When you verbalize the words of mussar in that way, you can experience the words, and then the words can remain in you long afterwards – which is really the whole underlying essence of learning mussar.

The Torah is called “shirah”, because it is the “song” that remains in you long after you have learned it. We also learn from this about the inner essence behind the concept of singing, which can affect your soul. Singing is effective on the soul only when you sing with yourself and from yourself; this enables you to experience the place in yourself you are singing from that is in yourself, and to retain those experiences.

Learning Mussar passionately and with excitement, therefore, is not just about learning with emotion. It is to learn how to speak with oneself, from yourself. One who learns mussar in this way experiences the words and that is how he can relate it to others, and those are the true baalei mussar.

Calming ‘Fiery’ Speech With ‘Water’

One who does not develop this ability will not know how to use his ‘fire’ in his speech when he talks excitedly, and when he gets excited as he’s talks, he will find himself unable to restrain his emotions. He is not listening to himself – he is not listening to the words coming out of his mouth, so he lacks self-awareness as he is talking. He won’t even remember anything of what he said if he is reminded about it.

But when a person who develops inner speech as it was described here, he will be able to lessen his excitement as he feels the urge to speak some lashon hora. Since he speaks more truthfully, he has gotten used to being concerned for truth, and that will overpower his negative tendency of speaking lashon hora even as he’s tempted to.

The deeper way to understand this is that the fire in the soul is opposed by its opposite element: water. Too much fire in one’s speech, even when it is not about lashon hora or other kinds of evil speech, can still be detrimental, because it takes away a person’s calmness. One cannot be calm if he gets overly excited when he speaks - even if he speaks words of holiness. Thus, learning how to speak words of true vitality activates the ‘water’ of the soul and calms the ‘fire’ in one’s speech. Fire is jumpy in its nature, while water is naturally calm; one can use calmness (‘water’) in his speech to stave the excited ‘fire’ of his speech.

[Thus, being overly excited when we talk conversations is like a fire that gets out of control, where you find yourself talking heatedly, about topics that are forbidden; and even if you are not talking about things that are forbidden, you lose control over your speech, because you simply become too anxious.]

To counter this problem, a person should practice two things: times of talking calmly, as well as times of silence throughout the day. This increases the ‘calmness’\water of the soul, which can stave the fiery excitement that one is used to in his speech.

Learning Torah With Passion and Calmness Together

In one’s learning, whether he is learning Gemara b’iyun (in-depth analysis, with focus on understanding) or bekius (general reading of the Gemara, without focus on understanding), or mussar, he should allow some of his learning to be “fire” and some of his learning to be like “water” – part of his verbalization should be done excitedly, and part of it should be done calmly.

However, this is a subtle ability to know how to use. Although we are saying that one needs to learn how to calm down in his speech, even when he’s learning and speaking words of holiness, still, chas v’shalom should one only speak calmly when he learns Torah! Chazal say “the words of the wise are heard only when they are uttered pleasantly” but that does not mean that one should only speak calmly when he learns; one needs to speak excitedly too when he learns. We need both ‘water and ‘fire’ in our speech. Talking excitedly in learning Torah is a need that every person has and it’s a need that should not be stifled.

But it is just that when a person does talk excitedly in his learning and he’s all fired up, he still has to make sure that he doesn’t lose his good middos, and for this reason, he must learn how to calm down a bit even as he’s excited.

It is written, “Are My words not like fire, so says Hashem.” Torah learning must be learned in a fiery manner; but even though there’s a lot of fire involved, there must also be some water\calmness involved. It is the ability to restrain one’s excitement.

For example, while one is getting excited in his learning and his words are fiery, he has to be able to listen to his chavrusa if his chavrusa starts talking back to him. In addition, he needs to learn how to stop himself even as he’s all fired up, sometimes.

As for how much and how exactly to do this, it is a subtle matter [which cannot be given exact instructions]. Most people won’t be able to learn at all if they would try restraining themselves as they’re getting fired up. But when a person is more self-aware, he knows how to get fired up as he’s talking as well as calm himself down a moment later. He doesn’t lose his calmness even when he gets excited.

Maintaining Your Equilibrium

Another example:  a person davens, and he is getting enthusiastic, and he is full of his worries. But if he gets too excited from all of this, he’ll lose his kavanah (concentration). He should try pausing himself after every three words. In order for a person to gain back his concentration as he’s getting excited, he needs to know how to calm himself down as he’s talking, even if he is speaking words of Torah or tefillah.

Another example: It’s possible that a person is arguing with his chavrusa for 2 hours straight, yet he feels drained of vitality afterwards. He might think that this means “exertion in learning” and attributes this as the reason of his tiredness. But that’s not why he’s tired – he has tired himself because he didn’t realize that he was emptying out his vitality as he spoke in learning. He lost balance in his soul. He will have reward in the Next World of course for learning, but is still not the true way to live.

In summary, a person has to learn how to have silence as well as how to speak calmly, knowing how to restrain himself as he’s talking excitedly, and this is true even with regards to one who speaks words of Torah and tefillah.

Elevating Mundane Conversations

There is also another topic in relation to this: our regular conversations. Although this chapter is giving the remedy to speaking lashon hora and other evil kinds of talk, it is also applicable to all kinds of mundane conversations.

Mundane conversations are when a person speaks words that are not holy and they are not forbidden, and they are just about neutral topics. When one speaks superficially in his conversations, the words just leave his mouth and nothing remains in him from those words. One who learns how to speak from within himself experiences what he says, so even his mundane conversations will become more elevated. He will say words that remain in him long afterwards.

But it is problematic – why? Words that are forbidden need to be uprooted from one’s conscious memory, and words of holiness need to be retained, but what should one do about mundane conversations? Should they be uprooted, or retained?

The more a person is experiencing the words he is saying, he will naturally speak less mundane talk. He will realize that 9 out of 10 conversations (!) that he normally would have spoken are really empty and meaningless, so he doesn’t speak them. He loses interest in talking so much as he used to. He’ll realize that there are two kinds of mundane talk: things that are empty, and things which are purposeful.

When one talks with others about something that serves him purpose, he should talk from his outer self, not his inner self. But he should still remain a little above the conversation and not become totally immersed in it, so that he can gauge himself as he’s talking and make sure to protect his words from falling into superficiality.

It will be a like a light above himself (also called “ohr makif”[3]) that guards his speech.

If one is totally immersed in a conversation, he will surely end up saying things that are inappropriate. But if he merely speaks from the outer layers of his being and he makes sure to remain connected to his inwardness as he’s talking, then he is a little ‘above’ the conversation even as he’s talking - and it’s as if a light is hovering over the conversation and protecting him from saying words that are forbidden.

Avoiding Evil Talk Amidst Your Mundane Conversations

Additionally, besides for what a person talks about, there is also what he needs. A person is usually feeling connected to the words he speaks, as well as to the needs of what he is speaking about.

Most of the conversations going on in the world are about unnecessary matters. What do we mean by that? It doesn’t mean that they are simply unnecessary, because a large part of conversations are about things that people need. We need various things because Hashem has decided that we have those needs, for whatever reason. One should therefore be aware of what he needs simply because Hashem has willed that he needs those things, and in this way, he doesn’t become overly connected to the words he is saying. He should be instead focused on the needs of what he is talking about.

Getting used to this will also lessen the amount of one’s mundane talking. But it will mainly protect him from evil kinds of speech, such as lashon hora. It will become easier to avoid lashon hora in the first place; whereas most people cannot restrain themselves from lashon hora and by the time they realize it they’ve already spoken the lashon hora, a person can learn how to catch himself as he’s getting the urge for lashon hora and restrain himself, avoiding it altogether.

The more a person experiences his speech (generally speaking), when he gets excited to speak lashon hora and he feels like he’s getting dragged after it helplessly, he’ll be able to stop himself even as he’s talking. But even more importantly, it will protect a person in the first place from talking inappropriately, so that he avoids the yetzer hora for lashon hora altogether.

Chazal state that “When the yetzer hora is present, there is no mention of the yetzer tov”[4]; the trick is to avoid the yetzer hora altogether, so that you don’t fall into his clutches. The way to avoid the yetzer hora for lashon hora is to acquire the power of restraining yourself as you’re talking.

In Conclusion

We have described here, with Heavenly assistance, the concept of inner speech. It is to speak from oneself and to oneself. It is a lifestyle which most people do not recognize.

Most people only know how to elevate and graduate their speech from the child level to the adult level, in the superficial sense, learning how to speak words that are more mature. But inner speech is more than that. It is for one to reveal his inherent aspect of “medaber” - to utilize the power of speech which personifies man.

When one graduates from a child level in himself to the adult level in himself, he becomes a bar daas (when he gains spiritual maturity), which means that he essentially becomes a new kind of medaber, an internal kind of medaber - one who speaks in an inner way.

Most problems related to speech are for the reasons that were described here; there are many details of how to fix it. But the the inner way to fix it, which is the ideal solution, is to learn how to speak from yourself and to yourself; the rest of the details will then be much easier to work on, when has this solution.

This is the depth behind the statement of our Sages, “Even the mundane conversations of a Torah scholar need to be understood”, because since a Torah scholar thinks before he talks and while he is talking, he experiences what he says, and his thinking patterns change and become elevated with this; that is why even his mundane conversations become wiser.