Getting to Know Your Home - 004 How To View Your Spouses Faults

Until now we addressed the roots of marriage; now we will try with Hashem’s help to explore the details. But we must remember throughout, that all these details are contained in the root; so in every detail of marriage we come across, we need to see how the root of marriage is what shines light on it. It is the root which allows us to better understand a particular detail of marriage.

The general root concept in our life - and marriage in particular - is: “And they shall become one flesh.” Therefore, in every situation we meet up with, whether it is in marriage or in any of life, the perspective we need to have is to see how we can unify with it.

In this chapter, we will discuss how one can deal with a particular topic: the “faults” that one discovers in his\her spouse.

Discovering Faults In Each Other

All of us, after getting married, discover faults in our spouse. We are all familiar with this. The first question we need to ask ourselves, however, is not about how to deal with them. Rather, the issue depends on how we view the faults. Dealing with the faults in our spouse will already be the second step. The first step we need is to know how to view the faults.

Our first reaction, when we discover a fault in our spouse, is superficial: We have a problem now to deal with! A person got married thinking that his spouse had certain qualities, and then after he marries her he discovers faults in her that he did not know about beforehand. He sees an issue in front of him which he feels like he must now deal with.

But that would be starting from the middle of a story. He is not aware of what came before this “middle” point he is starting from.

Imagine the following scenario. A person sets out on a six-hour trip with no water. After four hours, he begins to get thirsty, and he discovers that he has no water on him. He is thinking, “What should I do? I have no water!”

Did his problem start now, or four hours ago? It really started four hours ago, before he left for his trip. His problem is not starting now. Had he thought before his trip that he will need water, he wouldn’t have run into a problem after four hours. So the root of his problem really began before, not now.

The lesson from this is clear. Most people are beginning to think based on the middle of a situation, and then they wonder how to solve their problem, beginning from the middle of the story. They enter something without thinking into it beforehand, and then they run into problems later and they discover that they cannot solve it. They look for solutions to their problems only after the problems hit them, and they did not bother to think beforehand about what the solution will be.

When people only to begin think after the problem has started, the solution they come up with will only be addressing the current issue, not what came before it. It is no wonder, then, that after a week or two, the same problem will come back, in a different form. The issue hasn’t really been solved, it has merely been dodged, until it comes back again. It might not come back exactly as the first time around, but it will still resurface somehow.

Why not? It is because the problem is not the problem that we see. The problem is when a person is lacking the proper perspective: when he does not see the root of things. If we see what lead to the problem, the solution to the problem will be very different. It will be a more inclusive solution. If we only focus at the issue from the current point we are at, then all we will be able to uncover is a superficial solution, which only takes care of the issue at hand, and not the root of the problem. It won’t really solve the issue.

When we try to deal with the issues in our spouse, it is the same way. We might able to uncover a solution that solves the issue at hand we are facing, but this would be starting from the middle of the story, without getting to the root. For example, if the other spouse is impatient, or has a temper, or is gluttonous, etc., it seems that the solution lies in fixing the impatience, or in fixing the other’s tempers, or in curbing the other’s habit of gluttony. After all, that is where the problem lies.

But what really needs to be done is to get to the root of the problem which is manifesting. We need to understand that all faults which we discover in our spouse – as well as all imperfections that exist in Creation – are all rooted in the very first fault which took place in Creation.

There are many people in the Creation, but we all had one father: Adam HaRishon. All of us come from him; he is the root of all created human beings. Everything in Creation has many subdivisions, but it is all rooted in one root.

So too, in the various faults that we all have – and there are many – there is an earlier root to all of them. If we can identify the faults at their root and we discover the purpose and the avodah for us that it implies, we can then go from the root to the branches. But if we only see the faults at their branches and we don’t get to the root, we won’t know how to properly identify it.

Faults: A Way To Achieve Unity

Firstly, as we explained, everything which we come across, in life and especially in marriage, can be a root of achdus (unifying).

The positive attributes we discover in our spouse are obviously a tool to reveal achdus with each other. That is pretty clear and simply. But even the faults we discover in our spouse are also a tool for achdus. Faults in our spouse are thus not a problem to be dealt with – they are rather part of the plan in revealing achdus.

Compare this to the following. Before we can build a building, we first have to dig a ditch. If a person walks by and he doesn’t realize that a building is supposed to go up there, he thinks, “What is this ditch doing here?” He has no idea that the reason why there is a ditch here is to enable a building to be built on it. He sees the hole as it is, as a mere deficiency, and not as something which allows for building.

So too, when we notice a fault in our spouse, our initial reaction might be to see it like the ditch in the ground, a mere deficiency that serves no greater purpose. What we need do is to re-define our perspective towards it. The deficiency that we see is really a piece in the puzzle of achdus. All we need to do is understand how exactly it fosters achdus. But the very fact that there is a deficiency here is part of what will make the achdus happen.

This is the outline of the definition. Now we will try to understand, with Hashem’s help, how we can implement this view into our life.

If You Are Ready To Think Deeply

First of all, before we continue, we need to make the following introductory point.

There are some people who do not use their minds that much. When they run into a problem, they look for practical suggestions on what to do. This kind of person does not build his own way of thinking; he is always borrowing ideas from others. As soon as he runs into something he cannot deal with, he learns which magic buttons to press that will tell him what exactly he needs to do, so that, Baruch Hashem, he doesn’t have to exert his mind that much, and that everything works out.

But a person who lives internally and truthfully is a person who uses the mind that Hashem gave him.

If one is seeking practical advice alone, the words to come will not be of much help to him. But if one is the kind of person who considers his thinking mind to be a central aspect of his life, he is already halfway towards his answers. He has the proper perspective that will enable him to build upon it.

If one seeks practical advice alone and he is not willing to exert his mind at all, the words to come are not for him. The words here are suitable for one who is looking for advice that is built upon inner thinking, which makes use of our minds.

The Faults of Your Spouse Complete You

In the previous chapters, we mentioned that there are three kinds of love in marriage: love for differences, love for similarities, and intrinsic love. Let us try to see how deficiencies in a spouse that we discover can be a catalyst for both ‘similar attraction’ as well as ‘opposite attraction’.

As we have mentioned in the past, the word ahavah (love) has the same gematria as the word echad (one). When we want to unify, we need to see how differences contribute to building achdus, and how similarities contribute to achdus.

Let us examine a case in which one of the spouses has a particular weakness. Sometimes the other spouse has the very same weakness, but in most cases, it is one of the spouses who will have a particular weakness that the other one does not have, for the most part. Examples include one of them being impulsive and the other spouse being more of a calm thinker, or one of them having more of a joyous nature when the other one is more melancholy.

Whether one of them has the weak spot or whether they both have it, either way, it is a situation which can bring them closer to shleimus (self-perfection). How?

When one of them has the fault, it’s clear that this can bring him closer so shleimus, because he’s being completed by his missing puzzle piece. Hashem created the world so that we can all unify; we give and receive from each other, which completes the process. The wealthy gives to the poor; the poor receives from the wealthy. Each of them needs the other to complete the process of unity.

If a person seeks only what is comfortable, then it is more comfortable for him if his spouse has the same qualities as him. When a person seeks an easy life, he will never get anywhere. “Man is created to toil” – life requires some hard work on our part.

But when a person is living with purpose, knowing that the purpose of creation is to come to unify with each other, then he realizes that this will requires pieces of a puzzle coming together; he will understand that one person’s quality is another person’s weakness, thus, the weakness of one of the spouses is what contributes to their unity.

When we see a fault in our spouse, the superficial reaction is for a person to react negatively: “I can’t deal with this, I have no patience for this.” But the inner and truthful perspective is for one to say, “I came onto this world to fix certain deficiencies in myself. Some of them are inside me and it is upon me to fix them from within myself. In marriage, a certain quality I possess may be lacking in my spouse, and in that way my spouse is completed by me; and vice versa. We are completing each other.”

To understand this deeper, viewing a fault in your spouse as a “problem” is a form of disparity between you and your spouse. It is separating “you” from your “spouse”. But if one gains a more inclusive perspective towards himself and his spouse, he can see that together, they are not deficient, for their faults are each needed to complete each other.

When we focus on the deficiencies in our spouse, this itself creates disparity between oneself and spouse. But when we realize that self and spouse must become unified, this itself is how we can fix the deficiency.

Of course, this does not mean that a couple will not have to actually work on fixing their weaknesses. It is just that the root of their perspective should be about unifying with each other, that husband and wife are meant to become one, and therefore, a deficiency in one of them should not be seen as a mere deficiency. Their personal weaknesses were given to them so that they can be used a tool to work on revealing their unity with each other.

It also does not mean that we need to live in denial of our spouse’s deficiencies. We need to acknowledge it, but we just need to redefine our perspective towards it and view it from a broader angle. Husband and wife need to realize that their qualities, as well as their deficiencies, can both serve as a tool to complete each other. We all only see ‘deficiencies’ when we do not realize that husband and wife need to become unified.

So each of the spouses must come to the point where he\she feels, “We are unified.” How? Through being completed by the other spouse, who has the certain qualities that I lack and who does not have the deficiencies that I have, that is how we unify with each other.

We have explained how unity can be achieved when we through the differences we see in our spouse. It uses the “love for differences” (ahavas hashoneh) which we spoke of earlier. Now we need to think how “love for similarities” in their deficiencies can also complete them.

When Both Spouses Share The Same Fault

In many marriages, Hashem arranges it that one of the spouses has a particular weakness that is other spouse’s very strong point. For example, if one of them does not know how to manage finances, and the other one is very good at it. Or if one of them can cook very well, while the other one cannot cook at all. In this way, they complete each other, for the one who has the deficiency is completed by the one who does not have it.

But sometimes, this is not what happens. Instead, it can be that they both share the same weakness. One of them might have a lesser degree of the weakness, but for the most part, they both have the weakness. This can be even more distressing to both of them than in the previous situation we have been describing. For 20 years or more, one of the spouses has been struggling with a certain issue, and he\she had waited to marry someone who would not have the same problem. And then it doesn’t happen – lo and behold, the spouse has the very same exact issue.

On one hand, this is to their advantage, because each of the spouses can be more understanding to the other, being that each of them is familiar with the particular weakness. On the other hand, it is doubly as disappointing to marry someone who has the same fault as yours, because you had hoped all these years to marry someone who would not have your issue.

How can they deal with such situation? How can it be that having the same weakness will unify them together, being that one of them is clearly not ‘completing’ the other?

The Root of All ‘Faults’

We believe with emunah that everything has its source in the Ein Sof (Endlessness) of Hashem. By knowing more about the source of everything, we can extend the source to our own marriage and build it.

Hashem is perfect and complete, while we humans are not. In this way, Creation is completed by its Creator.

When we recognize our good qualities, it is clear that they are rooted in Hashem, for Hashem is the root of all perfection. Chazal say that we should “become similar to Hashem – just as He is merciful, so should you be merciful.”[1] It is clear where our good traits stem from: the endless perfection of Hashem. But so our deficiencies also stem from Hashem? The answer would seem to be “No.” Hashem is perfect, so He has no faults. It seems that all deficiencies begin with human beings, not in Hashem.

However, there is a rule that all details of Creation have their source in the Ein Sof of Hashem. In fact, only when we attribute Hashem as being the source of our deficiencies can we hope to complete ourselves.

It is upon us to understand, then, how deficiencies can be a catalyst for completion; and to take that understanding and bring it into how we view marriage as well.

The First ‘Deficiency’ In Creation

Before Hashem created the world, He filled the whole universe. In order to create the world, He made a tzimtzum (contraction) in the universe and pulled back some of His strength, so to speak. (This is described in sefer Daas Tevunos).

Without getting into the depth of this matter, there was some type of contraction – some type of “deficiency” – that Hashem made in Himself in allow a space to create the world. If so, the first moment of Creation all came from a deficiency of some sort. The root of our creation began with deficiency.

This shows us that we are imperfect by essence; it is not a mistake that we aren’t perfect. Our weaknesses don’t come from us, nor were they inherited genetically. They did not even start from our first ancestor, Avraham Avinu. The deficiencies in mankind have already existed at the root of Creation.

Now that we are aware of the root of all deficiencies, we can look at all other deficiencies that came after that as being the branches. If we don’t understand the root, we will not be able to see how all deficiencies in marriage can bring husband and wife to unity, because we would be missing the root where unity is drawn from.

Three Ways To Completion

Our Chazal say that when there is an “exclusion following an exclusion”, the exclusion is not coming to exclude, rather, “it is only coming for an inclusion”. We can apply this to marriage as well: when there is an exclusion\deficiency in one spouse, followed by the same deficiency in the other spouse, instead of seeing this as a double deficiency, it should be seen as a catalyst that can help them attain something greater.

In order to become attached to the Creator, there are three ways: (1) From using our qualities to come to resemble the middos of Hashem, such as becoming compassionate like Him; (2) From meriting perfection from Hashem to our faults, and (3) from our very faults themselves.

The first two ways are well-known, but the third way is not so known. The first two roads to completion are logical to understand. Is like pieces of a puzzle: we are lacking, and the perfection of Hashem is what completes us. But the third form of reaching completion – our faults – is a lesser known concept. However, it is not my own novelty. It is really based on the statement we quoted before from Chazal, that “an exclusion after an exclusion is only coming for an inclusion.”

Our bond with the Creator reflects the marital bond. The relationship between the Jewish people and Hashem is like a bride and groom, and the Jewish home reflects that relationship. Thus, in our homes, there are three aspects to the marital bond: (1) Bonding together through our common qualities, (2) Bonding together through appreciating the qualities of our spouse that we do not have, and (3) Bonding together through our common faults.

With the first way alone (bonding together through our common qualities – the method which most people favor), or with the second way alone (bonding together through completing each other’s faults – this is enjoyable for only one the spouses, but not for the other) - we cannot reach a complete Jewish home; all three aspects mentioned are needed to complete the picture.

Let us try to understand the third aspect in the completion of a Jewish home, which is difficult to understand: how the common faults between the spouses can serve to unite them.

Imperfections Are Necessary

As we mentioned before, Hashem, Who is perfect, made a contraction in Himself, so to speak (this was called the “tzimtzum”) to allow a space for Creation to be formed. This allowed for us to be able to connect to Him precisely through our human imperfections.

We are all human and thus imperfect. In order for us to connect with the Creator, we need to do the mitzvos. There are two kinds of mitzvos – 248 positive commandments, and 365 negative commandments. The 248 positive mitzvos are actions we do to connect with the Creator. The 365 acts that we refrain from are ways of connection to Him precisely through not acting. If so, we see that “not” doing something is also a way that enables perfection.

Simply we understand that the 365 negative commandments connect us with Hashem because we are refraining from evil, and that we are simply avoiding negativity. But the deeper way to understand it is because by not doing those acts, we reach another degree in our process of self-perfection.

This is not my own innovative idea. Why do rest (desist) from labor on Shabbos? It is so that we can come to resemble Hashem, Who rested on the seventh day. Thus, we can connect to Hashem through “not doing” action. Of course, we also connect to Hashem through action, which we do during the six days of the week. But we also connect to Him through “not doing”.

So it is clear that there is a way of bonding with Hashem through “not doing.” Since our bond with Hashem teaches us about the marital bond as well, it must be that in marriage as well, husband and wife can connect to each other precisely through what they lack together.

We can see that all of us contain deficiencies in ourselves. But we must know what to about this reality – how, exactly, we can use our common deficiencies we share with our spouse, to grow closer together through them.

In fact, this concept is the basis of building a proper marriage. Most of the problems in marriage are stemming from the fact that husband and wife see deficiencies in each other, and they find it very difficult to deal with. The question of all questions is: How do we deal with the faults that we discover in our spouse?

Let’s reflect about this and try to understand. First, let’s delve into the root behind the concept of all “faults” that we notice in each other.

How Deficiencies Can Serve To Unify

There is a parable brought by the holy Baal Shem Tov, that once there was a craftsman who was trying to glue together two pieces of wood in order to make a chair. He had to first clean off all the dust and splinters from both pieces and smooth out the wood, and after both pieces were clean and smooth, he smeared them with glue and then stuck them together. What is it that glues the two pieces together? It seems to be that two pieces of wood have been put together.

Says the Baal Shem Tov: No! It is the splinters that were removed which enables the two pieces of wood to come together. The two pieces of wood remaining are not what is connecting them together – rather, it is the material removed from them that enables them to connect.

In marriage, one of the aspects which make a couple feel connected with each other is, the children. Superficially, this is because they both work for their children and give together to their children. But the deeper reason is because a child was once a part of its parents; the child begins with the father, and is developed in the mother’s womb, so before birth, this child was a part of each of them/ After the child is born, it is as if a part of each of them is now missing, for the child has taken parts from both of them and has emerged with those parts. If so, a “lacking” on each of their part has actually contributed to the growth of their child, who connects them together.

So a couple builds their unity together in two ways. One way is through actively building together their marriage, by investing energy together in the home, which builds the home. These are the actions they do together which bind them. But they also become bonded together through what they give up together.

To explain the depth behind this, there is a rule that “Just as all faces are different, so are all ways of thinking different.”[2] When husband and wife are each giving of their energies, each of them has their qualities, and they will each express different qualities, for no two people are the same. But there is one thing that is always a common denominator between them, no matter how different they are: When each of them is lacking somewhat, it is like a “hole” in each of them, and then they both have a “hole.”

To illustrate this further, if you have two closets that are fully stuffed with many items, they will not contain the same contents. But if you have two empty closets, they are both equally empty. Two full closets will always be different, whereas two empty closets are the same.

In the blessing of Asher Yatzar, we say that Hashem created “holes” (nekavim) and “deficiencies” (chalalim). What is the depth behind this?

[It is as follows]. Moshe Rabbeinu, the greatest man ever is, was humble. The idea of humility is to feel deficient. From feeling how deficient you are, you become more attached to Hashem. It is the situation of realizing how much we are lacking and missing, which is precisely what connects us, with Hashem.

We can see this from war. When there is a war, suddenly the country becomes united, and all kinds of people from different backgrounds put aside their differences, to fight for a common cause. Everybody gets together and helps each other. How is this possible? It is because the common deficiency is what unites all of them together.

Here is a simple example of the concept. When we feel lacking, we naturally seek to fill what is lacking. However, Chazal say, “Who is wealthy? One who is happy with his lot.” In other words, we need to learn how we can see perfection in a situation that is lacking. We simply understand the concept of being “happy with our lot” as someone who is happy with what he has, even though he doesn’t have other things; he focuses on the positive, on what he does have. That is true, but there is more depth to the concept. It is because we have an avodah to recognize that the very things we lack are what complete us.

When we feel lacking in something, our initial reaction is, “This is a problem.” If someone has no talents, this seems to be a problem. If someone is missing a limb, this seems like a problem. (I am not implying that it is not a problem. Rather, I am trying to point out that it is only one kind of reaction, and that there is a deeper perspective towards these situations.)

We are all missing certain things, and there is not one of us who has everything. Does this mean that something is wrong with all of us, then? Chas v’shalom. If every deficiency in our life is defined as a “problem”, that would mean that our entire life on this world is one giant faulty situation. But we know this is not true, for the possuk says, “All was made well.”[3]Therefore, somehow, even deficiencies allow for a person to come to completion.

In the next step which we will explain, we will try to see how exactly we can benefit from our faults, on a practical level. But the first thing we must understand, before that, is to have the root perspective towards it. It is to view all faults [in our spouse] as a root for furthering the unity [in marriage].

The main aspect of the problem, when it comes to the faults we know of our in spouses, is that we see the faults in our spouse as “problems” we need to fix. This is already forming a separation. If we look at our deficiencies though as a way to further unify with each other, then we have arrived at the root of the unity – and we will have the key to building the unity.

Now we will see how this works. First we will see how this concept can be applied to the more superficial aspects of marriage, and then we will see how it can apply to the more inner layers of marriage.

Seeing Behind The Faults In Our Spouse

When do the faults in each of the spouses build the marriage, and when do they harm the marriage?

We can compare this to digging a ditch in order to build something on it. When the earth is removed from the ground, it appears to be creating a void in the ground, while in reality, this is helping it.

As long as the deficiency is a catalyst for enabling completion, the deficiency is not a ‘problem’, rather it is a part of the process towards completion. Now let us apply this to marriage. In marriage, the couple was already unified; they are not two becoming one – rather, they were one, then they become split into two, and through marriage they can become one again. That being the case, they are really one at their root, and it is just that they are clothed in different ‘garments’. If so, their common faults are actually what unify them.

Thus, we can view the ‘hole’ of deficiency as rather an ‘opening’ to what lies within it. Deficiencies\faults that we see in our spouse can make us think and cause us to realize the inner perspective we are describing. But if the deficiency\fault is just as seen as a mere ‘deficiency’ and nothing more than that – nothing but a “problem” - then indeed, it will not serve as an opening to anything.

Now let’s apply this practically on our level. When we see a person in front of us, we see a person with who contains good as well as bad parts to his nature; we pick up on his good middos and certain bad middos. The good middos we see in him mare pleasant to deal with, whereas his bad middos make it hard for us to deal with him.

But if we understand that beneath the surface is a neshamah, a Divine soul – and if it is our spouse, then he\she is one with our own soul, at our deep root – then we can realize that instead of viewing ourselves as apart, we can see ourselves as being one, at our root.

Therefore, when we see something that is lacking in our spouse, what is it indeed that is lacking? The superficial perspective is that it is a fault which needs to be fixed. If that is the case, then we need to call the technician to fix it. We see a ‘gap’ that needs to be filled in. If so, we would have to call many technicians to fix all the gaps, and that would be an endless job.

Rather, our faults that we discover in ourselves and in others must be seen as a catalyst for something greater, not as mere weaknesses that we need to get rid of. We only view them as being mere ‘faults’ that we need to get rid when we think that the ‘faults’ are pointless and don’t get us anywhere. But in reality, the faults we see in ourselves and in others are needed. Although it seems as if negative traits such as anger and arrogance are entirely detrimental to us and that they are pointlessly getting in our way, in reality, we need to see how these faults are needed to get us somewhere.

Of course, this does not mean to say that arrogance needs to be developed and seen in a positive light. Not at all! Rather, what we mean is that the very fact that there is a fault here is a positive thing. When we notice a fault, it can open us to the inner perspective we are describing in this chapter.

Thus, when there are common faults in both of the spouses, they need to see this as a way to remove the superficial perspective that we normally view faults with. It is for this reason that the common faults are here: so they can arrive at the inner perspective towards their common faults. The inner perspective is, to see what lies behind the faults [their neshamos, which are really unified together at their deep root].

The words here are describing a deep perspective, and they are not limited to how we understand marriage. It is really describing a perspective that should come way before marriage: how one views the soul [his own soul, as well as the souls of others].

If one views his faults as being ‘faults’ and nothing more than that, all he will see is darkness in himself. He does not see the spiritual light that is contained in his weaknesses. And a person cannot deal with darkness.

So one must acquire a ‘double’ perspective towards his faults: it appears externally to be a fault, and it certainly is, and one must work on himself to fix his weakness. And if he sees faults in his spouse, he must deal with the faults. But he must also be aware that the inner essence behind the fault that he sees (both in himself and in his spouse) is positive.

Thus, every fault has an outer and inner layer to it. The outer layer of a fault is the part of it which is not good, which we must try to remove. But the inner layer of it is a great and precious opportunity. It becomes a catalyst to enter a very great and inner perspective. Even more so, the root of the fault is always positive.

This concept might sound illogical. It is upon us to learn how we can make it practical in our day-to-day life. We will provide an example of how we can practically use this perspective towards thee faults of ourselves and of others.

Impatience: Good or Bad?

We are all familiar with impatience. There is probably nobody who thinks that anything good can be said about a lack of patience. It is clearly a fault and a very negative trait. Is there a way to view it in a positive light?

Impatience is clearly a human fault. At its root, though, it can be a positive trait. How?

Imagine a person who becomes complacent, and we ask him, “When you are planning to grow?” and he responds, “I’m being patient about it…” Such a person might also be the type to push off putting on Tefillin until the latest possible time of the day. He is laid back, and he feels that there is always more time.

Or, a person might be 35 years old and he’s not married yet, and when asked “Why aren’t you getting married?” He responds: “Don’t worry. I still have more time. There’s no need to rush.” If a person has this attitude that “there is always time…”, then he will never get anywhere in life.

So if patience is not always a good thing, clearly there is a plus to being impatient. In this light, impatience can be seen in a positive light. It is only when impatience is taken to an extreme that we can say that it is bad. For example, being impatient with the children is clearly a negative use of impatience. So we can define impatience as being evil whenever it is applied in a situation which requires patience; there, it is clearly a negative trait.

If a spouse realizes that his\her spouse is impatient, the first reaction is usually something like, “Here comes another difficult fault about my spouse that I must deal with.” This is not a wrong way to react, because we cannot say that it’s easy to deal with an impatient spouse. But according to what we have explained above, impatience can be viewed as something more like an unpolished diamond. If you receive an unpolished diamond, would you give it back because of its blemishes?

One of the Sages composed a prayer: “[May it be the will, before our Father in heaven,]…that we should only see the qualities of our friends, and not their faults.” What does this mean? We should never see other people’s faults and only see their qualities? Must we become disconnected from reality and naïve, denying the faults we see in others? Clearly, this is not the meaning. It means that when we do notice the faults of others, we need to see its source: it is rooted in the neshamah, as we explained earlier in-depth. The outer layer of the ‘fault’ is being manifest improperly, but in essence, there is nothing wrong with the fault we see.  

This is exactly what we meant at the beginning of this chapter, that we can learn how to view things from our soul, just as we can view from our body. In our case, the view of the soul here means to view faults as being rooted in the holy neshamah, to see beneath its surface and not to just view it as face-value.

The truth is that all ‘faults’ we see in another are like a ‘crack’ that enables an opening towards the neshamah. Man is comprised of body and soul; his body can be seen, but the soul cannot, for the soul is within, while the body is the outside that can be seen. How can we see the soul, as revealed through the body? In the case of impatience, the soul can be viewed through noticing the impatience, but it is still a revelation of the soul. So a lack of patience can be viewed as an opportunity to view the neshamah of the other, through this ‘crack’; it serves to reveal the soul outward from its hiding place.

The words here are very deep, and now we will try to explain them in simpler terms.

How We Should View People

There is a nature in a person to view everything he comes across as “black-or-white”. Either another person is considered to be a “good person” or a “bad person.”

A person who is a bit more mature understands that there is no such thing as an entirely “good” person or an entirely “bad” person, because every person is a mix. We can find something positive in even the worst person, and we can find some fault even with the best person.

Many times a person meets someone and he is impressed by certain qualities he sees in the other, and then after some time, he discovers a fault in the person, and then he loses respect for him. He thinks to himself, “If he has this particular fault that disgusts me, he is worthless.”

This is such a misconception about people! There is no one on this world who is 100% perfect. Only the Creator is perfect. The most a person can become is perhaps 98% perfect, and in order to get there, he would have to work very hard on himself. If only everybody could get even there!

So the first thing we need to get used to is to realize that no person is one-sided. There are qualities as well as shortcomings in every person. In fact, even a murderer has some positive aspects to his personality. He has an extreme issue, without a shadow of a doubt – he is a murderer – but it’s still very possible that he possesses some good point which other people do not have.

We need to get used to realizing that a person we see is not “either, or.” Every person we meet is multi-faceted. A painting always contains many colors; it is boring to place a painting on the wall with only one color. The beauty of a painting is its many colors and how all of the colors come together. So too, in every person you meet, there always many colors going on in his personality, and that is his beauty; nobody is “one” color.

There is no such thing as a person who is not complex. There are some people who possess more good qualities and some people who have obviously less qualities, but nobody is perfect. In the best person there is always some fault, and in the worst person there is always some quality.

This is a basic perspective a person needs. Taking this further and deeper, every deed can also be taken apart, and you can find good and evil present in every act you come across. In every aspect of the human personality, you can also find both good and bad. There is no such thing as an action that is entirely bad, for there is always a good point contained in it. There is always a hidden light contained in the root of each thing. The bad things we see are clearly bad, but there is an inner point contained in it which is good, which we cannot see openly.

Having this perspective is an issue of how a person views life; how a person views each thing he comes across.

Seeing The Good and The Bad In Each Thing

If we get used to this perspective that we are describing, we will discover that nothing is one-sided. We can also see two opposing views on each thing we come across. Let’s give an example that helps illustrate the idea.

Let’s examine the idea of the ‘State of Israel’. Is it a good thing, or a bad thing? There are clearly bad results of it, but at its root, it was a good thing.

First of all, the fact that so many Jews returned to the land of Israel was clearly a good thing. There is no doubt about that. We pray for this every day in Shemoneh Esrei, that the exiles be returned. There was clearly a Higher Power that orchestrated all of this and allowed Jews to choose how they would run their country. It was a reflection of the possuk, “And with the nations, they do not consult.” We received a power to decide for ourselves, to make our own decisions in our own land, which is clearly a good thing.

For this reason, many of our Gedolim saw the creation of the state of Israel as being a light of the imminent redemption. Indeed, it was.  However, it was only a light of the redemption, clothed in an impure ‘vessel’ – a government which uproots the entire Torah, from beginning until end.

Some people felt that since the “vessel” was impure, it must be that “the entire state of Israel is evil.” They viewed it as worthless. Others went in the other extreme: they argued, enthusiastically, that it is a light of the redemption, and that we should connect entirely to it.

They were both wrong. It was really a ‘light’ of the redemption, but it was being covered with a dirty ‘vessel’. We can compare this to a candy covered in dirt. We cannot put such a candy in our mouth; we first have to clean the dirt off it. So too, there was a spiritual light that was behind the State, but it became ruined by a dirty ‘vessel’.

This is an example which illustrates the idea of misconceptions, in which a person sees either ‘one side’ or the other. (The words here do not apply to the situation of our current generation, and it is only referring to two generations ago, when the State was formed).

Seeing Beneath The Surface Of All Faults

Thus, when we want to know how to properly view the faults we discover in our spouse, we need to acquire a double lens: the view from our body, which sees the surface of things [we already have it], and the view from our soul [which can see beneath the surface of things; this we need to develop and get used to].

When we are dealing with a common fault that is present in both of the spouses, they must learn how to view this situation with a ‘double lens’: the outer layer of the fault appears to be a ‘problem’ which must be ‘dealt’ with, while the inner layer of the fault can always be seen as a quality. In this way, the spouses can bond with each other in spite of the faults they see in each other, because they are aware that the faults are not problems; rather, the fault contains much good at its essence.

Every fault we see is just a negative manifestation of something that is good at its root, and it is upon the spouses to connect to the ‘root’ of the fault, which is good, as well as to deal with the negative ‘branches’ of it. In this way, we deal with both the ‘root’ and the ‘branches’.

As we explained before, a fault in our spouses is like a crack in the body that enables us to see through to the neshamah. Of course, we would prefer to see the neshamah through a quality in our spouse and not through a fault, but now that we have seen the fault, we can use it as an opportunity to see the good root of it, which is the neshamah.

Hashem ‘faulted’ Himself in the beginning of Creation, so to speak, which is the root of all faults and sins in Creation that came after that. We are all lacking somewhat, because this is one of the roots of Creation which we were created with. Dovid HaMelech said, “I and my son, Shlomo, have sinned.”[4]

A Practical Exercise

Here is a practical example we can use that goes in the home which illustrates the idea here very well, so that we can walk away with something practical from all of this:

Let’s say a husband suddenly notices that his spouse has a certain fault, and he becomes bothered by it. Instead of immediately losing control of the situation and reacting with anger like he normally would (or if it’s already after he got angry, and now he is trying to settle his thoughts), he can take the time and think: “What have I just discovered here? I have discovered such-and-such.” Then he needs to realize that what he sees is just the ‘branch’ of what he sees. He should now think: “What is its root?” He can then remind himself that the root of the fault is always good, because all faults are rooted in the neshamah. He can identify that what he sees is only the ‘garment’ of the fault, becoming manifest in an evil way, but at its root, it is good.

This does not mean to imagine and pretend that the fault is not there. One can recognize very well the fault he sees in his\her spouse, but he\she can see it as a way to deeply connect to the soul of his\her spouse.

This is an avodah, which requires calmness of mind, so that one can reflect deeply. It is not something which can be learned quickly. Rather, it enables a person to remove the superficial view he has towards his\her spouse, and to instead connect to the inner layer of his spouse. It enables a person to see how each fault can really be transformed into a vehicle that allows them to the deeper dimension of his spouse [the neshamah].

This does not mean for example that if one them overspends, the other spouse should view this as being generous and expansive, and that he should deliberately let the overspending spouse be in charge of the money in the house. No, that’s not recommended. Practically speaking, we need to recognize the reality of the problem, but it is just that we need to see its deeper root. In every fault we come across, we need to see its inner root, which is always good, and connect to it.

In Conclusion

It is our hope that the words here are not just understood as intellectual ‘Hilchos De’os’ (the ideal ways of Torah behavior), rather, that through knowing about these concepts, we can cause ourselves to reflect on how we can act practically upon this knowledge. In that way, two spouses can use this concept here to bring themselves closer to each other, to the inner point of true and deep achdus with each other.